Things that make me go RAAAARRGGHHH!!!!!

My new favourite thing to fantasize about is setting people on fire with lighter fluid and strike-anywhere matches. It used to be breaking people's knees with a baseball bat, but I retired it after I realized I had lousy follow-through and kept hitting my own knee with the momentum of the back swing.

So I'm on my way home, and I woman on the corner is begging for change. "Spare change?" she calls repeatedly. Then a couple of big guys waiting on the corner for the light to change respond.

"I haven't got enough change to change my mind!" Says one loudly.
"No thanks, got some." Says the other gruffly.
"Haha! Good one!" The first one laughs.

Now, I don't have the right to say they were wrong to deny the woman a little money, considering I don't give handouts myself, but something about these two really irked me. Maybe it was because they were fat, greasy white trash boors in beer t-shirts and trucker caps with bad moustaches and thinning mullets.

Not 20 feet away on the next block, a woman slowly passed a biligual bank machine and loudly pointed out to no one, "They're in Chinese now!" and muttered quietly to herself, as though waiting the be acknowledged for her brilliant discovery.

This, too, irked me, being of Chinese descent. Now, she didn't go outright and say it, but I think the message was clear from her tone: the chinks are taking over and they're starting with the TD bank machine!

Horrors! The yellow peril is upon us! Hide your ruddy-skinned sons and daughters from these devious slanty-eyed Chinamen!

So I did it, twice, within the span of 30 seconds. I took out my imaginary bottle of lighter fluid and made ready my imaginary match in my palm. I walked up, sprayed the offending hunk of flesh with the pungent fluid and before the creature even figured out what was happening, I sparked the head of the match with my thumbnail and tossed it at them.

And the world was suddenly bright with the light of humanity's waste aflame, their wild writhing a dance to the gods that made them, and the screeching was their music.

And by the music and the dance and the new light of the dark world, I felt cleansed and at peace.

In my head.

Yeah, some of you are probably going, "CUKOO! CUKOO! Call the men in white!" and others are probably googling the Possible-Dangerous-Offenders Tip Line right now. But I felt the quiet rage pulsing in my veins tonight after these encounters. Why?

Maybe I saw each of these passerbys as representing everything I deem is wrong with North American society. Maybe I hate racism (if that was indeed what it was) and neanderthal moronity enough to want to burn it out of our collective, even if it meant getting rid of individual human beings.

Does that make me a bad person, or a sane one? Or does that make me a potential despot who should never be allowed to hold office?

The bottom line is, they bothered me. So naturally I wanted to set them on fire and watch as they tear through the streets clawing at their burning flesh. Naturally. (Admit, you do too.)