Monday, March 31, 2008

The Final Frontier....

Who says a night at the symphony's boring?

I've seen both Lord of the Rings and Star Wars in concert and they were AWESOME.
I owe it to myself to watch this, too, don't I, John?


Sunday, March 30, 2008


The Merril Collection of Science Fiction and Fantasy, with its generations of pages, congratulate and celebrate the union of Senan and Effie, January 2008.

(Psst...I'm the one at the top, far left.)

Suck on that, HGTV...

Up next on Clutterbusters:
From This...

...To This...

Sammy is much happier with this setup, and I'm not ramming my chair into the pile of expensive home electronics sitting on the floor. The rat's nest of cables is still there, but it's not tangling up my feet anymore, hiding behind the nice new TV stand instead.

Thank you, Ikea. Your TOBO made our TV look ten times bigger.

Friday, March 28, 2008

The Forbidden Kingdom Trailer

John: If there's white guys banging hot Asian chicks, I'm there.

Me: If there's white guys getting the crap beaten out of them by Jackie Chan and Jet Li, I'm there.

Power Hour

So, this whole Earth Hour thing sounds kinda cool.

Except that, you know, it used to be called Earth Day, and we used to try and do more than turn off all the lights for an hour. In class, we'd do a whole unit about the Three R's and composting and water usage and pollution and changing our lifestyles to be more sustainable...


Not that I'm against turning out the lights and stuff for an hour. But, yknow, I'm just sayin''s gonna take a whole lot more than an hour without power to save our planet.

Just sayin'.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Apron of Awesome

My sister is made of awesome. She got me this pimptacular apron of win from the One of a Kind craft show:

Now I can truthfully say I have half-nekkid cowboys all over me. Thanks, Fi!

Apron by Earth Angel Designs. Angelika Stahl,

Ruining my childhood one movie at a time...

Despite being pretty awesome for special effects and some modicum of nostalgia, the Transformers movie SUCKED.

No, no, don't argue with me sucked big, sweaty donkey balls, and the only thing that saved it were what's-her-name's cleavage and the robots.

Now Hollywood dares to ravage the rest of my childhood with the G.I. Joe movie?

Now, normally, I'd be rational about this because, despite what the reviews will be, I will be first--okay, maybe forty-eighth--in line to see this film. I would keep my expectations low and say to myself, "Self, you've waited twenty years to see this. Don't get too excited. Remember what happened at Phantom Menace?"

After taking a gander at the cast, I've decided to shelve my expectations in the sub-sub-basement. On the bottom shelf. Under a Blu-Ray copy of the original animated Transformers movie (because it doesn't get lower than that).


Because Joseph Gordon-Levitt is going to play Cobra Commander.

That's right, the kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun. (Isn't he dreamy...?)

Not that it really matters--he's in a mask anyhow, he's filled out and is in Stop Loss, etc. etc. But STILL....I'm highly bemused.

My hopes lie scattered upon the ground like the many pieces of my defunct and elastic bandless G.I. Joe action figures.

On the other hand, I look forward to utterly mediocre performances from a cast of B-list actors as they fire non-lethal lasers across the battlelines without ever hitting anyone.
  • Dennis Quaid as General Hawk (the poor man's Harrison Ford is on a role after Vantage Point...)
  • Channing Tatum as Duke (oddly, he played Duke in She's the Man and is just coming off of promoting Stop Loss.)
  • Sienna Miller as the Baroness (I have nothing funny to say about the depths of obscurity I cast thee!)
  • Christopher Eccleston as Destro (the cranky old invisible guy from "Heroes"...does he even have enough meat on his head to hold that mask?)
  • Marlon Wayans as Ripcord (ten bucks says he dies first)
  • Ray Park as Snake-Eyes (about as many lines as Darth Maul, eh, Ray?)
  • Arnold Vosloo as Zartan (The Mummy's mummy's bringing sexy back...)
I'm not holding my breath. All I can say is...if there are trouble bubbles, it'll be worth the $12 admission. Okay, $8.50 at the Rainbow Cinemas. Or $3.33 for pirated a DVD bootleg.

The A-Team movie, however, isn't worth my time or another word.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

What'cha wearing under there?

Bowie, 13 months.

I really don't know why this video decided to go all squishy like it is...but it's still funny.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Not Only in Kenya....

Okay, I love cuddly kitties as much as the next person, and would hug a lion if I could.

But at Bowmanville Zoo, lion hug you.

From the Toronto Star (check it out--there's video of the whole thing):

A martial arts teacher knocked over by a lion during a photo shoot at Bowmanville Zoo says she is happy to have come away with four broken ribs and a bloodied lung.....

The photo session organized by the Star-owned magazine Desi Life produced a successful cover photo for the March-April issue, to be published tomorrow. But from the beginning, the 180 kilogram beast proved playful and not entirely under the control of its two minders....

This was one of those moments in my life where I sorta thought, WTF?

No, seriously, WTF???

I mean, isn't this what Photoshop is for? Why were they doing this shoot with a lion that obviously wasn't in the handler's control? They treated this beast like it was a big dog.

Guys, I have news for you: that's a LION. A large male lion can weigh up to 550 lbs. Your dinky nylon leash wouldn't hold a well-bred Great Dane, much less a savannah predator that's evolved over millions of years to become an effective killing machine.

Dude, that thing can take down water buffalo. And zebras. And elephants. What the hell made you think you could just whistle, toss Leo some kitty num-nums and expect him to fall into line?

Now, I'm not going to get into any kind of moral spiel about animal captivity or some feel-good argument that the lion was just playing. Which is was, though obviously he preferred UFC reenactments to Xbox 360.

The bottom line is this: respect Nature and its creatures. We can't presume to fully understand the inner workings of a wild creature, even if they've never lived in their natural habitat. Even house cats can go feral. Hell, humans can, too.

The wild is just that: wild. To think we as the "dominant species" can influence or control it would be arrogant and ignorant on our part.

It's About Fraking Time....

The final season of a Battlestar Galactica starts Apr. 4!

Better as a RENTal

So, I went to see RENT tonight.

Now, this is one of the few times I've walked into a musical totally blind, so my review will probably be skewed.

First off, I have to say that the performances were INCREDIBLE. Every single singer and dancer was absolutely supreme. Dancing, singing, was all terrific.

As for the musical itself...well, it started off with a bang, but by the second act, the plot started to lag, morals and themes fell apart, and the obvious came to pass without the climax one would expect from this kind of production.

Except for a couple of numbers (power ballad One Song Glory, and feel-good kumbaya Seasons of Love), the songs were unmemorable, though again, the performances were phenomenal. But I imagine my opinion was due to the fact that my listening experience was tainted by having seen Team America: World Police and this number:

(Insert here: Vicki unable to stop singing "AIDS- AIDS, AIDS-AIDS, AIDS, AIDS-AIDS-AIDS...")

If you can't afford the tickets, rent the movie version (with Taye Diggs, who can make just about anything watchable). I haven't seen it, but I imagine it makes the whole story line a little more cohesive.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Nerds Now on the Endangered Species List

First it was Gary Gygax.


Arthur C. Clarke, dead at 90.


Terry Pratchett, diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

Pratchett's donated $1 million to researching a cure.

His best line: "I'd eat the arse out of a dead mole if it offered a fighting chance."


At this rate, we'll be out of great minds.

My generation has big pocket protectors to fill....

Monday, March 17, 2008


I have absolutely nothing original to say about Eliot Spitzer.

...except that I'm more sympathetic to Gollum.

Friday, March 14, 2008

A case of circumbendibus

This was in my word-a-day e-mail today:

This week's theme: 14-letter words, 14-letter definitions.

circumbendibus (sur-kuhm-BEN-duh-buhs) noun


[From Latin circum- (around) + English bend + Latin -ibus.]

-Anu Garg (words at

"There are times when [George] Steiner does the exact opposite, dressing up banalities in the most clotted, Latinate and circumbendibus waffle in order to make them appear profound."
Christopher Hart; Speaking in Tongues; Sunday Times (London, UK);
Jan 6, 2008.

Now, I'm not a smart person, but I really, really hate it when I have to riffle through the dictionary in order to understand a definition for a word I just looked up.

Dear dictionary writers of the world: don't use hard words to describe other hard words....

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

A Letter to Minibike Owners:

Dear Minibike riders around the globe,

You look dumb.

Please stop pretending your clownishly diminutive modes of transportation--which likely cost you more than half the cost of a real, street-legal motorcycle--are cool. They are not.


A concerned pedestrian who hurts from holding in her laughter.

Monday, March 10, 2008

The forecast calls for stupid....

Dear Steve Jobs,

WTF is with your Mac OSX weather widgit? Over the past few weeks, the reported weather for Toronto has been so wrong a monkey throwing darts at temperatures would probably have a better chance at getting it right*.

I bring you a screenshot from today:

According to CBC, the temperature at the time was -2 degrees Celcius with a windchill of -14 C. And before y'all ask, yes, it is set to Celcius instead of Farenheit.

So WTF, Apple? You can make fancy MP3 players but you can't read a thermometer?

And don't give me some BS about it being the weather in any of the U.S. Torontos, because then I'd have to stick you with another WTF?--Toronto, Ohio, only has a population of less than 6000 (the rest are little towns with populations in the hundreds).

I demand answers!

*Okay, maybe ten monkeys.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Friday, March 07, 2008

When Life Parodies Art...

I went for massage therapy today at my usual haunt--the very lovely Concepts Day Spa. I've never gone wrong with the RMTs there--they're all very good and professional, and I always leave feeling next to human.

Today, I had a new massage therapist.

She was, in a word, a character. Like straight out of a book character. I've never met an RMT who talked and joked and cussed like a hairstylist, but, like, whoa, this woman had the energy and worldliness of gator-wrestling waitress serving tequila shots from her navel.

All I could think about the entire time she was working out my kinks and telling me bad jokes was, "By jove, I simply MUST write this woman into a book!"

Here's a snorter she imparted while I was on the table:

A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I feel like a wigwam and a teepee."
The doctor says, "Huh, you're probably two tents."

Yeah, I actually laughed at that (hangs head). I must be tired.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

A Sort-Of Announcement

It's been a while since I've had this blog and, looking back, I've had little to say of real value or worth. And yet, I still receive a heart 100 hits every week, undoubtedly from people looking to see if I'll EVER have anything interesting to say. (Thanks for sticking by, guys--I'm sure you all have better things you could be doing.)

I'm going to be gently morphing this blog into a "serious" author blog soon, complete with my own registered domain name, new layout, and more importantly, news about how my "professional" career as a writer is coming along.

As with the blog, that title is still "would-be", but I'm hoping to change that soon.

Never fear, I imagine I will still post many LULZ and tidbits of perfectly useless items for shits and giggles. I just hope to post more often as a "fan service"...if ever I get myself a fan base.