Thursday, November 30, 2006


The problem with spending your days reading Harlequin novels is that you start to realize things about the inevitability of growing up and having, you know, a life.

Today, as I sat here editing a book about a single mother taking care of her infant son, I had one of those HOLYFUCKINGCHRISTI'MGOINGTOBEANAUNTSOON moments, envisioning my weekends with this miniature human--or Koh the Face Stealer, as we like to call him/her--toddling around the park, trying to keep him/her from eating dog poo while I simultaneously tote around a stroller full of baby crap.

The realization just slugged me in the gut from nowhere: I'm going to be drafted into babysitting service...

Pray for your children. Pray hard.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

My hurts...

Ever want to see Captain Picard sing a vaudeville song? Now you can, thanks to the miracle of YouTube.

Warning: do not drink anything while watching this clip. It will assuredly come spouting out your nose.

Monday, November 13, 2006

What's in a name?

With my future niece or nephew now in its six month of gestation, the subject of names has come up quite frequently among the family. At the last family dinner, we began spielling off names until we were worn down to staring about the room, saying things like "...Coat Rack Kwong....Dinner Plate Kwong....Steak Knife Kwong...."

...And then later, at home while washing dishes: "....Frying Pan Kwong....Fork Kwong....Wooden Spoon Kwong....Grill-O-Matic Kwong...."

While I will still insist on calling the child Koh the Face Stealer regardless of its gender, the parents have decided they need something a little more orthodox so that teachers don't have a hard time during attendance-taking in the morning.

Among the names suggested by my younger sister's acquaintances:

Girl: Aphrodite, Elizabeth, Kiwi, Kayla, Katelin/Katelyn

Boy: Orion/Rion (or backwards Noir), Stanley, King, Donkey, Cane/Caine/Kain/whatever spelling, Clark, Kael

Both: Casey

I might draw your attention to the sibling favourite of the moment: Kiwi. Cute as it is, the name evokes Mommy Kwong's (aka the Incubator's) penchant for biting into things; or of thoughts of an ugly, flightless bird.

To this, I responded that, should we go with naming "the Parasite" [(Copyright) Carly Foster] after fruit, we chould consider the following:

Durian Kwong: Sure, he stinks to high heaven, but he'll grow on you. Durian, King of the Fruits, is an acquired taste and beloved by people of Southeast us!

Kumquat Kwong: Adorable little cirtus fruits that grow well at home and are great as preserves. Plus, there's some awesome alliteration going on there.

Rambutan Kwong: Queen of the Fruits! How many boys can claim THAT title?

Mango Kwong: Because to want Mango is not to have Mango.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Frankenberry: the creepiest cereal mascot ever

During an online chat with a bunch of people, we got to talking about cereal. And then Frankenberry popped up, so I wiki'd it and oh my god, I am scarred for life. Again.

I'd forgotten just how creepy some of these characters are. Frankenberry is the pink, doped-up version of Mary Shelley's monster. And, apparently, Dr. Frankenberry accidentally used an bum for the thing's noggin. He looks like part monkey, part retard, and part ass.

And what the hell is that thing coming out of the side of that awful fuschia glute melon? The traditional bolts have been replaced by... that a steam whistle?

Never mind that this cereal will probably eat your guts alive ten ways from Sunday. The image on the box probably drove all the sugar-bomb loving-kids away. Or possibly made them teh gay.

Or teh doped-up retard steam-powered monkey-bot...who is also teh gay.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I. Know. Kung. Fu.

The Matrix for Real. Whoa.

Name: Joe Eigo, (aspiring) professional stuntman
Age: 26
Born: Aurora, Ontario
Resides in: Toronto
Mad L33T Skillz: bending the laws of gravity, defying physics, making us all look fat and lazy. And doing it all on my crappy old campus at Ryerson, no less.

Go watch the video.