Office Space Case

Co-workers, god bless em, can be a major source of your daily peeves.

Considering you probably spend more time with your co-workers than, say your family, friends, or loved ones, this comes as no surprise. Not all of them are bad, of course. I lve all my co-workers, if only for the terrific stories I get to post here. Just some worse (stupider/noisier/more annoying/lazier/pickier/etc.) than others.

Among my least favourite noises coming out of people's mouths are the words, "Vicki, just to let you know..." followed by one of the below phrases:

1. "...there's no more paper in the printer."
2. "...we're out of paper towels."
3. "...we're out of milk."
4. "...the fax machine is flashing and I don't know what it means."
5. "...there's a tea bag in the back of the dishwasher. Just to let you know."

Just to let me know. Huh.

Those are all real lines, by the way, spoken to me by real human people who are much older, and who make much more money than I. Here's how I responded to them:
1. "What you mean to say is 'Vicki, could you please help me fill the printer paper tray?'"
2. "They're in the supply closet. Where they've always been."
3. "Uh huh. And you want me to...?"
4. "It means 'my moron-o-meter is going off because no one will read the digital display that clearly says OUT OF PAPER.'" (Inside my head, of course.)
5. "...[long, agonzing stare]...So, instead of reaching in and taking it out yourself, you walked all the way over to my office and used up precious oxygen to inform me that there is a lone teabag inside?"

Is it so difficult to just tack on a couple of extra words to that phrase and change a couple of punctuation marks so that instead of informing me of the state of things, they can simply ask, "Vicki, we're out of milk, and we're too lazy buy more, so could you please go out and buy some for us? Thanks, you're the sweetest girl ever and I'm naming my first-born after you. Have some money."

The other phrase I cringe at is, "Vicki, I don't know who else to tell, but..." followed by, 1) "...the toilet's backed up again"; 2) "...there's a dead thing in my filing cabinet"; 3) "...I keep getting all this junk mail? And, like, I don't want to see it? Y'know? It, like, makes me crazy?"
But at least with the "I don't know who else to tell" line, I can see that the person is sorry for bugging me and understands that I am not necessarily the office plumber/janitor/tech-person, but I will know who is.

The boss is the worst, because he uses this line to cover himself:
"[NAME], could you get someone to clean up the kitchen/take out the garbage/clean up the bathroom/etc."

Someone? You mean, like, me? Or whoever [NAME] is?
So you end up shovelling shit for a hour, and he comes back and says "Oh, I didn't mean YOU. Go ask [NAMES] to help you." Now, maybe I'm too nice and take on too much alone, but why would I go and hand off this horrible job to someone else when you decided to come directly to me and basically tell me to do it? Do you normally go to the nearest person and say to them "could you find someone to take care of this big pile of shit? 'Cuz I know you have nothing better to do here than hopelessly run around and discover just how low on the food chain you are."

Fortunately, I don't have to deal with as much of all this anymore, though I do get the occasional winner. Like today, someone said to me, very pointedly, "Vicki, I missed tea time."

As if I could have roused you from your office, sat you down in the kitchen, then siphoned a gallon of tea into your maw through a garden hose. How about I make another pot, just for you? No, no, I don't mind doing it if it will keep your flapping noise hole shut. I'll do you one up and flaggelate myself with said garden hose for not having served the tea directly to you in your office on a silver tea service cart with fine china and sugar cubes. AND THEN I WILL HUG AND KISS A POISONOUS SNAAAAAAAKE!!!!

Now that's sarcasm!

Again, love the co-workers. No offence to anyone who's reading this from my workplace. Chances are none of these people are you. I bear no ill will, and y'all probably know that I keep my rage close to the surface. Very close. Just under my skin. Like a spandex catsuit.