The Fantasy Novelist's Exam

The awesomest quiz about whether your fantasy novel sucks.

So far, I think my novels haven't quite hit any of these yet....

By David J. Parker

Additional Material By Samuel Stoddard

Ever since J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis created the worlds of Middle Earth and Narnia, it seems like every windbag off the street thinks he can write great, original fantasy, too. The problem is that most of this "great, original fantasy" is actually poor, derivative fantasy. Frankly, we're sick of it, so we've compiled a list of rip-off tip-offs in the form of an exam. We think anybody considering writing a fantasy novel should be required to take this exam first. Answering "yes" to any one question results in failure and means that the prospective novel should be abandoned at once.

1. Does nothing happen in the first fifty pages?
2. Is your main character a young farmhand with mysterious parentage?
3. Is your main character the heir to the throne but doesn't know it?
4. Is your story about a young character who comes of age, gains great power, and defeats the supreme badguy?
5. Is your story about a quest for a magical artifact that will save the world?
6. How about one that will destroy it?
7. Does your story revolve around an ancient prophecy about "The One" who will save the world and everybody and all the forces of good?
8. Does your novel contain a character whose sole purpose is to show up at random plot points and dispense information?
9. Does your novel contain a character that is really a god in disguise?
10. Is the evil supreme badguy secretly the father of your main character?
11. Is the king of your world a kindly king duped by an evil magician?
12. Does "a forgetful wizard" describe any of the characters in your novel?
13. How about "a powerful but slow and kind-hearted warrior"?
14. How about "a wise, mystical sage who refuses to give away plot details for his own personal, mysterious reasons"?
15. Do the female characters in your novel spend a lot of time worrying about how they look, especially when the male main character is around?
16. Do any of your female characters exist solely to be captured and rescued?
17. Do any of your female characters exist solely to embody feminist ideals?
18. Would "a clumsy cooking wench more comfortable with a frying pan than a sword" aptly describe any of your female characters?
19. Would "a fearless warrioress more comfortable with a sword than a frying pan" aptly describe any of your female characters?
20. Is any character in your novel best described as "a dour dwarf"?
21. How about "a half-elf torn between his human and elven heritage"?
22. Did you make the elves and the dwarves great friends, just to be different?
23. Does everybody under four feet tall exist solely for comic relief?
24. Do you think that the only two uses for ships are fishing and piracy?
25. Do you not know when the hay baler was invented?
26. Did you draw a map for your novel which includes places named things like "The Blasted Lands" or "The Forest of Fear" or "The Desert of Desolation" or absolutely anything "of Doom"?
27. Does your novel contain a prologue that is impossible to understand until you've read the entire book, if even then?
28. Is this the first book in a planned trilogy?
29. How about a quintet or a decalogue?
30. Is your novel thicker than a New York City phone book?
31. Did absolutely nothing happen in the previous book you wrote, yet you figure you're still many sequels away from finishing your "story"?
32. Are you writing prequels to your as-yet-unfinished series of books?
33. Is your name Robert Jordan and you lied like a dog to get this far?
34. Is your novel based on the adventures of your role-playing group?
35. Does your novel contain characters transported from the real world to a fantasy realm?
36. Do any of your main characters have apostrophes or dashes in their names?
37. Do any of your main characters have names longer than three syllables?
38. Do you see nothing wrong with having two characters from the same small isolated village being named "Tim Umber" and "Belthusalanthalus al'Grinsok"?
39. Does your novel contain orcs, elves, dwarves, or halflings?
40. How about "orken" or "dwerrows"?
41. Do you have a race prefixed by "half-"?
42. At any point in your novel, do the main characters take a shortcut through ancient dwarven mines?
43. Do you write your battle scenes by playing them out in your favorite RPG?
44. Have you done up game statistics for all of your main characters in your favorite RPG?
45. Are you writing a work-for-hire for Wizards of the Coast?
46. Do inns in your book exist solely so your main characters can have brawls?
47. Do you think you know how feudalism worked but really don't?
48. Do your characters spend an inordinate amount of time journeying from place to place?
49. Could one of your main characters tell the other characters something that would really help them in their quest but refuses to do so just so it won't break the plot?
50. Do any of the magic users in your novel cast spells easily identifiable as "fireball" or "lightning bolt"?
51. Do you ever use the term "mana" in your novel?
52. Do you ever use the term "plate mail" in your novel?
53. Heaven help you, do you ever use the term "hit points" in your novel?
54. Do you not realize how much gold actually weighs?
55. Do you think horses can gallop all day long without rest?
56. Does anybody in your novel fight for two hours straight in full plate armor, then ride a horse for four hours, then delicately make love to a willing barmaid all in the same day?
57. Does your main character have a magic axe, hammer, spear, or other weapon that returns to him when he throws it?
58. Does anybody in your novel ever stab anybody with a scimitar?
59. Does anybody in your novel stab anybody straight through plate armor?
60. Do you think swords weigh ten pounds or more? [info]
61. Does your hero fall in love with an unattainable woman, whom he later attains?
62. Does a large portion of the humor in your novel consist of puns?
63. Is your hero able to withstand multiple blows from the fantasy equivalent of a ten pound sledge but is still threatened by a small woman with a dagger?
64. Do you really think it frequently takes more than one arrow in the chest to kill a man?
65. Do you not realize it takes hours to make a good stew, making it a poor choice for an "on the road" meal?
66. Do you have nomadic barbarians living on the tundra and consuming barrels and barrels of mead?
67. Do you think that "mead" is just a fancy name for "beer"?
68. Does your story involve a number of different races, each of which has exactly one country, one ruler, and one religion?
69. Is the best organized and most numerous group of people in your world the thieves' guild?
70. Does your main villain punish insignificant mistakes with death?
71. Is your story about a crack team of warriors that take along a bard who is useless in a fight, though he plays a mean lute?
72. Is "common" the official language of your world?
73. Is the countryside in your novel littered with tombs and gravesites filled with ancient magical loot that nobody thought to steal centuries before?
74. Is your book basically a rip-off of The Lord of the Rings?
75. Read that question again and answer truthfully.

No props to Prop 8

Gee, thanks, California, for harshing the buzz. WTF?

You just elected a black president. But God forbid you let the personal lives of loving couples who happen to be of the same gender ruin your ultra-heterosexual, straight-edge lifestyle. I mean, since when did you insist on looking into your neighbors' bedrooms and insisting your rights as someone who isn't as happy are being infringed upon?

Oh, sure, marriage is a sacred union between blah blah blah. You wanna explain the high divorce rate, then? I'm sure God won't have any problem with you defying your own rules.

Forget that you are directly challenging the rights of human beings. Forget that at one point in history it is likely that you, too, were or would have been discriminated against based on your heritage, your color, your gender, your religion, your identity. Forget that you are setting a dangerous precedent for retracting the basic civil liberties of an identifiable group.

You know, since we're already at it, why don't we suggest a proposition to, hmm, say, take away the voting rights of those uppity womenfolk? Or maybe we should amend the rules to make sure blacks are only counted as 3/5 a person and legalize slavery again. And let's get rid of those pesky child labor laws, because we all know our kids are all fat, lazy slobs. Oh, and let's make sure those uppity Jews, Irishmen, and Orientals aren't allowed into the country. Because God knows we have too many of them around.

Give me a break, people. If someone's lifestyle bothers you that much, don't be their friend. In fact, be loud about it so the rest of us can make sure not to sit with you in the lunchroom, because heaven knows we don't want to infringe on your cloistered, phobic, personal breathing space--it reeks of desperation, fear, and utter self-worthlessness.

I, personally, am putting together a proposition to ensure stupid people wear signs that declare their status as morons. And maybe we should make them wear armbands and ship them off to concentration camps, too....

Wheeeee!!!

Fun with Photoshop!

Defying gravity, Nazis and Republicans since 2008.

History made.

Hottie now president of the United States.

Hot old men

I have an admission: I like older men. (But I still love you John!)

For my enjoyment, I present attractive older men (what do I call them? Cured beefcake? Meat jerky?)

CNN's Anderson Cooper:

41 years old, prematurely gray, steely-eyed, looks great in a fitted T-shirt, and he's drawn to action and danger...what's not to like? (Yes, I am aware he's gay, but I still *heart* him).

Mack Bolan (aka model Phil McCauley):

This is what I imagine Anderson Cooper doing for fun.

Let me tell you, when you spend your days staring at covers of starry-eyed men holding babies, looking dapper in tuxedos or beckoning you to bed in next to nothing, a fully-clothed, hard-eyed vigilante with a gun is a refreshing thing to see. (Not that he's not showing up without a shirt more frequently now. And not that I mind *fans self*.)

Actor Tim Daly (Private Practice, Wings):

52 years young and still hot. Best of all, he played Superman in the animated series (before Justice League).


I'll post more, but the elections are over, and the States has just elected the first black president. So I'm kinda distracted....

Happy Halloween!

It's not Halloween without Thriller!

Auuuugh, my head...

Translate this:

"Never pretend nothing never happened."



And don't do what Johnny Don't does.

Beefcake!

For my mother's birthday, we took her to a Brazilian Steakhouse called Red Violin on Broadview and Danforth. My sister had been here before, and raved about the food and atmosphere.

Since it was a Tuesday night on one of the first cold days of the season, we were only one of three parties there for dinner, but the setting was very promising, with music and dancing on the weekends.

It was the food that blew my mind. And not just the culinary delight, but the way it was served.

The meal begins with a buffet salad bar that's a meal unto itself. There were, like, a dozen salads to choose from; shrimp, mussels, smoked salmon, cheese, fruit, prosciutto and other anti pasti-type meats, crustinis, greens, and so forth.

When you're ready for the main course, hunky Brazilian men come out with swords.

Barbecued meat on swords.

They slice delicate little pieces for each person at the table. And they keep bringing out more meat. Different kinds of meat. The head waiter said there was something like 15 or 16 varieties. I think we got through all of them. The first three alone were all beef: veal, bacon-wrapped beef, and garlic beef, followed by chicken wings, chicken thighs, bacon-wrapped turkey (because meat wrapped in meat is the best kind of meat), pork, flank steak, lamb, sausage, more steak, more chicken....

It was ridiculous. I ate and ate and ate some more, and even when I was full and my body was screaming at me to stop, I kept eating, undoing the diligent work of a dozen vegetarians. At one point, I put a piece of meat into my mouth and as soon as I tasted it, gagged because I JUST COULDN'T EAT ANY MORE MEAT. I'd OD'd on meat.

Why, you ask, did I subject myself to this and the ensuing sleeplessness, indigestion and discomfort that had me slumped at my desk all day, holding down my gorge?

I think it's summed up in one word: beefcake.

When good-looking Brazilian men with swords are at your beck and call, you just don't say no when they offer you their Brazilian sausage.

Fancy food for a fancy prices, but worth the experience. Just remember to save room for the deep fried bananas and barbecued pineapple.

You know you need more sleep when...

You apply orange highlighter to your lips instead of lipchap.

Writer Update

It's been a while since I've updated everyone on my comings, going, doings, failings, etc. so here be the scoop:

1. All in the Details (my first book) is on hiatus until further notice. I've been working on editing it for the Silhouette Desire line, but that'll require significant edits and time.

2. I'm doing my final edit on Star Attraction (my second book) for the RWA's Golden Heart Contest. I'll need to write the dreaded synopsis (I screwed myself in the Golden Opportunity Contest with that) and then print out and prep the package.

3. I just sent a submission to the Mortimer Literary Agency's Literary Mentorship Award program. The "prize" is working with agent Kelly Mortimer, whose goal to get you published. I figure, meh, why not?

4. I've been working on my fantasy novel as diligently as possible, and have a basic outline and plot. But I've been hard pressed to actually write the thing. The idea and energy sorta drained out of me after I laid it all out on in synopsis form. I think I killed my own creativity by trying to set the boundaries first. Damn.

5. Went to a great workshop today by Eloisa James, a lovely multi-published bestselling author who talked about writing historicals and series. I've lately been drawn toward Gerogian and Victorian-era romances because, let's face it, they're all about ladies with money in pretty dresses who shop and gossip all day. Like Sex in the City, but with corsets and no women's rights.

6. Met New York Times bestselling author Brenda Jackson at work the other day. She was signing copies of her lastest book, Irresistible Forces. My bookshelf of signed bestsellers is growing nicely.

7. My Avatar fanfiction series In the Family Way is moving along slowly. I'm writing a whole bunch of chapters at once so they'll flow a little more rapidly over the next little while. So everyone who's waiting, please, bear with me.

Wish I could say I was reading something interesting (that I don't have to do for work, though I've read plenty of great stuff there, too) but I'm just too tired and my eyes are starting to do funny things. Right now, I've got Maria V. Snyder's Fire Study, Neil Gaiman's Fragile Things, Astonishing X-Men: Unstoppable, and Gone With the Wind all stacked up on my desk to be read next. They've been sitting there for months.

Back on my mind is choosing a pseudonym. Eloisa made some very interesting points about identity as an author with a web presence. I've always been an advocate for transparency myself; then again, I'm not famous, so I don't mind sharing tales of various health problems and displaying pictures of the interesting ailments that plague me.

She suggested something short so that the font type will be stacked huge on the cover, with a last name that's close to another author you'd like to be associated with (e.g. Amanda Quick and Julia Quinn). I'm totally at a loss, and nothing I've so far strikes me.

Anyone have any more suggestions?

WHHHHHHHHYYYYY????

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li


I have to agree with The Movie Blog: why make a sequel around the story of a second stringer?

And why cast a white chick in the role of a girl from China? SERIOUSLY. WHHHHHHYYYY????

Asking for trouble

Ripped from popsci.com:

Starting this Friday, disabled and elderly people in Japan will be able to rent a robotic suit to help them become more mobile. Available in a two-leg (for a $2200-per-month rental fee) or one-leg version ($1500/month), the suit -- called HAL, for Hybrid Assistive Limb -- reads brain signals and directs leg movement.

Yoshiyuki Sankai, the creator of the robot suit, is a professor at the University of Tsukuba and the CEO of Cyberdyne, which is manufacturing and renting the suits.

In a report at Cyberdyne.jp, Sankai explains: "[there are] faint bio-signals on the surface of the skin when human brain tries to move the exoskeleton. The signals are detected and the robot suit moves to support the action."

The HAL suit includes a 22-pound battery worn on the waist to power the leg braces, enabling the wearer to climb stairs and walk for long distances. In a demo held this week, Cyberdyne showed how a man with partial leg paralysis could use the device. Sankai says the suit will not be made available for military or other purposes.

Hold up a sec... I KNOW WHERE THIS STORY GOES!!!!!

Oh, god, it wasn't just a nightmare....

The trailer for the live-action Dragonball movie is up....

We need more getti

How come nobody's ever made Punctuationgetti?


Just a thought for the weekend....

I have my health...

...and it was a beautiful, warm fall day, and I needed the exercise...

BUT BLASPHEME IT, walking 6.5 km from Lawrence Station to Bloor Street in just over an hour because the subways weren't running nearly killed me.

Thank the gods of footwear I was wearing my really comfy German shoes and fancy insoles, or else I would have been limping bloodily home. One girl at Eglinton and Yonge asked the hot dog vendor I was buying a drink from how long it would take to walk to Bloor. "In those shoes?" I asked incredulously, looking at her shiny kitten-heeled gold sandals that looked like they would last to about St. Clair before they turned her feet into shredded jerky. "Good luck. It'll be at least an hour, if you had comfy footwear. You might wanna get some now."

There were others in worse straits I saw on my long trek south: Elderly couples, pregnant women, a lady with a cast and crutches, all stranded because they had no way to get home. And it wasn't just the TTC and their inadequate shuttle buses that barred them from traveling--the sheer volume of traffic and the number of people on the streets made calling for a taxi a ridiculous notion.

And then, as I often do during commuter crises like this when we all realized we're screwed together, I had this crazy idea.

What if every single driver on the road opened their vehicles to two or three pedestrians headed their way? What would it cost them? Sure, you can say whatever you want about that being unsafe, being an invitation to a mugging, etc. But all I could think was, how many people would stop if I put up a sign on a curb that said: Earn Karma Points! Be a Good Samaritan and take a passenger! or Bloor Street or Bust: Will Make Conversation.

Music for the fringe masses...

On the phenomenally funny and often ironic songwriter Jonathan Coulton--I discovered his stuff some time ago, but hadn't taken time to investigate him further. Then I found his Web site where all his songs are available for download.

The genius behind the song "Still Alive" from Portal, the video game, has written other catchy, hilarious tunes. I highly recommend "Re Your Brains", "Code Monkey", and "Tom Cruise Crazy." You can listen to them for free right on the site, and download them and pay whatever you want. They're not copy-protected, but this is the kind of stuff you should pay money for: if anything brightens your day at the office the way "Code Monkey" does, then you know it was worth the $1 asking price.

On another funny, ironic music note, (no pun intended...not really...) Flight of the Conchords has become one of my fave listening time-passers. Not as catchy as some of JoCo's stuff, but better produced, plus they have their own TV show and have made appearances all over the place. I especially like their set on Letterman.

Obviously, I need more zzz's

You ever have those sleepy moments at your desk and your eyes are drifting shut and your brain takes you to the edge of REM so that you're thinking crazy thoughts while still semi-awake?

Today I though the book I was reading would be better printed on a slice of whole wheat bread.

Thoughts for Food....

Important wisdom I need to pass on about the things in your pantry:

1. Triscuits that are a month past their Best Before date are not tasty, no matter how hungry you are and no matter what you put on them.

2. Bananas and Pepsi don't mix.

3. Bread feet (or heels, as everyone else calls them, though why that is I have no idea since they're obviously the ends of bread, not the just-before-end of a loaf) can, in fact, be eaten. As long as they're toasted and slathered in Nutella. El-la. El-la. Eh, eh, eh....slathered in Nu-tel-la... (Rihanna, I expect a royalty out of this....)

4. Just because the pasta bugs haven't gotten to it yet, doesn't mean it's a good idea to eat it.

5. That half-empty jar of instant coffee crystals someone gave you three years ago...? Face it, you'll never drink the stuff. You don't even like REAL coffee.

6. Potatoes aren't like diamonds. They don't keep forever. And in this case, growth is not a good thing.

7. The powdery dregs of 6-month-old cereal are not part of a balanced breakfast.

Where everyone's gone before....

John just got the full Star Trek: The Next Generation DVD collection and as we go through the episodes, I'm starting to rediscover whole new realms of good, bad, really bad, and WTF?

Teri Hathcher was one of those WTFs. As was Famke Janssen and Kirsten Dunst.



I'm still getting over some of the more WTF moments I've been coming across, and I'll definitely be sounding off on them soon, but for now, I think the above speaks for itself.

Culling the herd

Today I took another small but highly significant step forward in cementing the matrimonial pact between me and John:

I've started culling doubles of our DVDs.

When he was away at school for four years, the two of us decided that we could not live without owning our own copies of the Lord of the Rings trilogy (special edition, of course), or the second installment of The Mummy, or the first season of Futurama, or... well, you get the picture.

Since I'm setting up a table at the Merrill Collection's SF/Fantasy Yard Sale again this year (Saturday, September 20th from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. at the Toronto Reference Library!), I decided now would be the opportune moment to get rid of some excess junk and trim down our burgeoning collection.

I suppose, to the outsider, it seems like a silly thing, this letting go of material goods of which I have an excess. (Two copies of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? Really?)

But this is an important step for me. It means I am willing to share. It means that if I want to continue to own a copy of Fellowship of the Ring, I will somehow make our relationship work. It means that I will give up my share of the DVD collection should John and I (knock on wood) ever part ways. It means I put more stock in our relationship than I put in my stuff.

I could go into some long diatribe about how my generation has attached too much meaning to material goods and how spirituality has been lost to consumption and the happiness money brings...but that would just be boring.

Bottom line: I love John more than I love stuff.

Now if only I could get John to cull a few books....

ZUTARA LIVES!!!

Squee! Got first place in Dotmoon's Best of Fandom UFO 2007 fanfiction contest round one!!!

Thanks to everyone who voted for me! Round two will determine best of fandom overall, so stay tuned and vote for me through round two!

ZUTARA LIVES!

(Edit: the administrator kindly changed the award to reflect how the characters actually look in the story. Note also that voting for best fanfic overall is now up on Dotmoon. Please read the other entries and vote!)

The Schattenjäger lives!

So I was reading the Toronto edition of Metro today on the bus. when I came across this story about Hurricane Gustav.

It was the first test of New Orleans’ new and improved levees, which are still being rebuilt three years after hurricane Katrina. And it was a powerful demonstration of how federal, state and local officials learned some of the painful lessons of the catastrophic 2005 storm that killed 1,600 people.

“They made a much bigger deal out of it, bigger than it needed to be,” 31-year-old security worker Gabriel Knight said in New Orleans’ nearly empty French Quarter.

“I was here with Katrina. That was a nightmare.
“This was nothing.”

Gabriel Knight? Really? Does the AP reporter even know that Gabriel Knight was the name of a fictional New Orleans detective from the Sierra game back in the early nineties? And is it just coincidence that both Mr. Knights are 31 years old and work in the security field?

Apparently, the Schattenjäger is alive and well in the French quarter....or someone is making shit up and stealing from the video game industry.

I am so e-mailing Jane Jensen.

For Better or For Worse

The finale to For Better or For Worse:


I've been reading FBOFW since I was old enough to discover that boring stack of newspapers actually had comics in them. I was rapt with the first animated Christmas special featured on TV about young Elizabeth, still barely out of infancy, loses her stuffed bunny during a hectic Christmas rush at the shopping mall.

Having grown up with the Pattersons as many other Canadians have, I do feel a touch of sadness at its bittersweet "finale." The sense that we will not get to see them again reminds me of the tenuous connections we have to those around us, even fictional characters. The Pattersons have moved on, moved away, and now their lives are private ones, much as the lives of those friends and family who live apart from us, whether it's overseas, in the next county, or beyond life itself.

Over the years, Lynn Johnston brought us her special brand of humor, sweetness and sadness. The close of her family saga with the strip preceding the finale connected old and young, beginnings and endings, and reminded readers that through all of life, thick, thin, good and bad, those who have each other will endure.

Pattersons, you will be missed.

Eight

To the love of my life, my fiance, my first, my last, my everything.

John--Happy eighth anniversary.

Thank you for saying yes.

(And yes, our love sometimes is as creepy as the picture above.)

When bad writing gets worse

The TRW sent along a link on an Amazon discussion board about some of the most overused and cliched phrases that typically appear in romance books.

Read the hilarity here.

As someone who comes across these phrases on a day-to-day basis, I have to say that they're at least a little more comforting and familiar than the ones that try to be fresh and unique. "He slid into her like a hot knife," or "when he came, it was like a gun going off inside her" or "she opened her mouth like a baby bird to receive him" are not phrases I ever want to see in romance. And yet, I have....

A few more classic lines for you that'll make you beg for "he slanted his mouth over hers" (if I've already posted these, forgive me, but they are worth repeating).:

YOU ARE FOREWARNED OF BAD TASTE AND GENERAL BADNESS:

"My goal is to blow you up and, baby, I’m about to make you explode all over the place."

If a guy said this to me, I'd be searching him for grenades.

"His words made every single cell in her body multiply with excitement."

Cancerific arousal!

"This was what you called total mouth concentration, the solicitation of participation and the promise of satisfaction."

"Have you ever heard of the emancipation proclamation?" "I don't listen to hip hop." --South Park

"If she were some kind of sexual grenade, he’d have been honor-bound to take her down, to blanket her with his body and prevent the explosion from maiming the other males in the vicinity."

Another great explosion metaphor. What really gets me about this line is the fact that the man is "honor-bound" to blow himself up on her explosive sexuality. I'd be honor-bound to RUN AWAY.

"She licked him like a lollipop, only his unique taste was strictly adult candy. He groaned and writhed beneath her feast."

Mmm, adult candy. Enjoy a Tax Lollipop, or Bag O' Mortgage Sugar today!

"He’d sprouted a hammer between his legs, iron hard and clamoring for her grip."

Wow, hardware sex. Now, if only I could write a plumbing fixture metaphor...no, wait, that's too easy... Something about a screwdriver...? Nah....

"Like a child with a new doll—a doll with an erection—she ran her fingers through his hair and trailed them down the side of his face and neck."

What the hell, Mattel? First Barbie and Ken break up, and now you're passing out Woody the Pedo Ranger?

"His huge manhood stood up as if he carried a policeman’s club between his legs."

Just the sexy image I want before being bedded: police brutality.

AUNTHOOD: REDUX

My nephew, Avery Hendrix Kwong

Born this morning, 6 lbs. 5 oz.

Mommy and baby are both doing fine.

He's gonna give Bowie a run for her money in the cuteness department...

Mediocrity Strikes Again!

Results for the Toronto Romance Writers Golden Opportunity Contest came in the mail today. No, I didn't make the finals. But I got lots of good feedback.

My rank: 12th place out of 26...exactly mediocre!

To quote Jean Giraudoux: Only the mediocre are always at their best.

YAY! I'm at my best!!!


So the next little while will be spent polishing up this book, Star Attraction, so I can enter it in to the RWA's Golden Heart this year. I also had lots of fantabulous feedback from the stunningly wicked Moor to work with...it's all good, if harrowing to one's ego.

Hey, no one ever said it would be easy...

I HAZ TEH HAPPY

So picture a day of on-and-off rain onthe opening day of the CNE. As is our tradition, John and I go to shop, eat overpriced corndogs and BBQ corn on the cob, play expensive games to win cheesy prizes, and generally make ourselves sick and silly.

We stop outside the Food Building--one of our must-see stops on our annual EXpedition.

Me: So whaddya wanna do now?
John: Dunno. Let me get out the map.
Me: Aw, you don't need to do that...
John: No, no, just hang on a minute...
Me: *staring off into the sky, wondering about the ominous clouds*...
John: Hey.

John: Will you marry me?

Me (in my head): ...*GOGGLE* BUH? *GOGGLE* SQUEEEEE!!!!

Me: YES!!!

Before you ask:

1) No date set. We’re going to enjoy a longer engagement so that John can finish his studies and find employment.

2) He had the ring on him for most of the week, and was looking for the Right Moment to propose. Turns out that after I'd won him Necky the Engagement Giraffe (below) playing Whack-a-Mole, it was the Right Moment.



3) Yes, it was a big surprise. As John notes, I wasn't expecting to see anything until after he graduated.


Don't mind me, I'll be squeeing for a while.

I'm scooping John on this one....

Barack rolled!





Based solely on his dancing skills, I'd vote for him. 8 )

60 episodes of Bleach in 60 seconds...

My summary on the first 60 episodes of Bleach in 60 seconds or less.

SPOILER WARNING AHEAD.

Episodes 1-3:

Ichigo: Hello, ghosts!
Rukia: *loom*
Hollows: RAHR!
Ichigo: Ah! Monsters!
Rukia: Hollows! Boo! *saves him*
Ichigo: Help me save my family!
Rukia: Here, take my powers. *Almost dies*
Ichigo: Rahr! *brandishes incredibly phallic sword, saves everyone*
Rukia: Hey! Still alive! And now you're gonna do my job! *clings*

Next twenty-two episodes:

Ichigo: *angst*
Rukia: *angst*

*fight fight fight fight fight*
*saves people*
*useless side characters introduced*

Ichigo: Look! It's the marketable stuffed-animal sidekick, Kon!
Audience: Awww, I want one!

Episodes 25-53:

Ichigo/Rukia: *heart?*
Rukia: Sorry, I'm becoming attached. Gotta go!
Kuchiki Byakuya: Come with us, criminal!
Renji: Yeah!
Ichigo: No!
Renji: *fatally wounds Ichigo*
Rukia: See ya! *cries bitter tears*
Ichigo: *trains with sandal hat guy in a five-episode arch montage*
Useless side characters: *also train with recently acquired powers*
Ichigo + USC: Let's go save Rukia!

*They go*
*They get separated*
*They fight baddies*
*Ichigo is mortally wounded about ten times in five days, but somehow manages to revive himself via deus ex machina*
*Lots of training sequences*
*Bunch of court intrigue that is interesting, but distracts from Ichigo's enormous phallic powers*
*Nostalgia intertwined with nonlinear storytelling=lots of hazy, saccharine flashbacks*

Renji: Rukia! (*heart?*)
Rukia: Ichigo!
Renji: Ichigo?!
Ichigo: Rukia. Renji--take her away!
Rukia: Ichigo???

*More fighting*
*More court intrigue*
*Useless side characters remain useless*

Episodes 54-60:

*More fighting*
*Baddies flee*

Ichigo: Yay!
Kuchiki Byakuya: Sorry, lil' sis. I was a jackass.
Rukia: You really are my brother-in-law?

End.

P.S. If Soul Society is "Heaven", then it sucks balls.
Worst. Heaven. Ever.

...And yet, I am compelled to watch the rest....

SDCC or the Nationals? SDCC or the Nationals....?

On the Romance Writers of America National Convention in San Francisco...

Dunno where they'll hold it next year, but someday, somehow, I'll get there....

Hancocked (not about the movie)

Lately, I've been getting a lot of flack about my signature.

Somewhere over the past 20 or so years since I developed the swirly, jagged scribbling representation of my name, it has evolved into a lazy pair of initials. I still have my library card from the days when they'd first switched the Toronto Public Library systems from punch cards to bar codes--that was the first thing I ever penned my signature on--so I know what it was supposed to look like.

When I was 17, before the days of swipe cards, a manager at a former place of employment forged my signature on a time sheet so that she could fax it on to HR so we could all get paid. I caught it later and asked about it, to which said manager admitted her crime in the name of expediency. It was fine by me since I had barely done any hours that week and I really didn't care. But when I think about it now, it's kinda dumb to need to rely on something that no one can really verify. It wasn't as if HR was going to call every single employee and ask whether they'd signed their name on the time sheet.

This past month, I got recalled to the driver's licensing office to resign my license renewal because my signature was considered too easy to forge. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do at that point: use a signature that wasn't mine and that I probably wouldn't be able to recreate at a moment's notice? I ended up adding a loopy line and dot that I hadn't previously put in. I really don't think it's going to help. Hell, I don't know if I can duplicate it now--I've been practicing, but it seems forged to me every time.

Then, as I was shopping, I noticed a lot more people asking for my driver's license along with my credit card. Since my driver's license was being renewed, and I didn't have any other picture ID, I looked extra suspicious with a big "temporary" sticker on my card and a signature that looked too easy to duplicate on both.

What I'm trying to figure out is, with all the technology we have with photo ID, and all the abilities we have to cross-reference credit checks, etc., along with the fact that credit ard companies are insured against credit fraud, why are we still relying on a scribble to identify ourselves? What's to say that that bit of handwriting is mine?

"Signing off" on something doesn't make a whole lot of sense in my brain, either. At the workplace, it's a given that, if you sign your initials to something, you are endorsing the legitimacy of a document and all that it contains. Very little, if anything, prevents me from signing someone else's initials, and thus putting the onus of responsibility on someone else.

It all kinda makes me wonder about what celebrities have to deal with. In the book Starstruck: When a Fan Gets Close to Fame, the author, who'd been an avid autograph collector, talks to professionals who stalk celebs to get them to sign stuff they can then sell for big bucks. There's a story in there about Courtney Love signing someone else's name on some guy's dress shirt...I think. (Don't quote me on that, I can't remember the details.) And then I think about the hilarious Simpsons scene at Comic Book Guy's shop: "That is a rare photo of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore."

Anyhow, how is some poor shmuck shelling out for authentic signed photos supposed to know that's really Tom Cruise's signature (left)? What do they have to compare it to? And really, does a gold seal with yet another signed document verifying its authenticity actually mean something? I can forge that with my color printer and some stickers from the dollar store.

Surely we have the means in this day and age to do iris/thumbprint/DNA scans a la GATTACA?

Mr. Cruise, can I have a sample of your hair, please?

The End of an Era

Welcome to post #400. It seems appropriate as, at post #300, I had received kudos for one of my Avatar fanfics, that I am now writing about the end of the series that started it all for me.

In a word: Wow.

It's taken me a couple of days to get it together and recover from the finale of Avatar: The Last Airbender. After three phenomenal seasons, the show I have faithfully worshipped and converted others to is at an end.


I feel profoundly bereft. After watching the breathtaking four-episode finale arch with a group of friends, I went to bed and slept fitfully. I felt as though I'd lost a dear friend, and all I could picture in my mind were the characters walking into the sunset, waving back at me, smiling and wishing me well.

Some people sorta tilt their heads and say, "but...isn't it a kids' anime cartoon? What are you all broken up about?"

I could fly into a homicidal fan-rage worthy of a Star Wars nerd who has just spoken to someone who confuses it with Star Trek, but one thing the show has instilled in me is the power of patience and forgiveness.

There isn't any one thing I can claim to be the "thing" that "makes" Avatar. Everything about it is good, from the timeless writing to characterizations to the animation and art. People of all ages can appreciate the show, and I can safely say that parents can sit through this one with their nine-year-olds and not lose any more precious brain cells to a talking sponge (not that there's anything wrong with anthropomorphic sea creatures).

But above and beyond everything that makes this TV series great, I mourn its loss because it has played a very personal role in my own life.

Avatar got me through some of my darkest moments. When I was deathly ill with the flu and didn't think I'd make it, I watched much of the first season on my computer in my bedroom. After seeing the first half of the first season, I forced myself to live another day to see the rest.

Later, when I was suffering through a very deep depression, Avatar fandom saved my sanity and gave me a creative outlet through which I worked out a lot of sadness, pain and anger. I connected with a widespread group of fans online, wrote fanfiction, learned a whole new skill set, and with encouragement and support from dozens of other fans around the world who I'd never even met, found purpose and reapplied myself to writing original fiction.

That's right. Kung Fu Action Jesus saved my life.

So this is my love letter to all the wonderful people who worked on the show and made my experience an enlightening one.

To creators Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko and the team of brilliant writers: you guys put together one of the richest mythologies I have ever seen. You created a cast of individuals who mesh in ways that are realistic. You snuck in life lessons without being preachy or over-dramatic, and you painted the world in appropriate moral greys. You penned a timeless tale of good versus evil, and you did it without too much cliche. You made us laugh, cry, angst and hold our collective breaths. Thank you for knowing how smart your viewers are, and for giving everyone something worth every minute.

To the hardworking artists, story boarders and animators; yours is the hand that brought the show to life. From the fabulous backdrops of unforgettable terrain and locales like Ba Seng Se and the Fire Nation Capitol, to the crazy crossbred animals, the beautiful costumes, the architecture, weaponry, props, and of course, the mosaic of wonderful characters, you made the fantasy a technicolor reality.

To all the cultural consultants, including the fabulous Sifu Kisu; thank you all for giving the Avatar universe a foundation in reality, and one that has made my Chinese heritage one to be proud of and infinitely cooler.

To the Track Team and the sound effects people: Avatar has THE BEST soundtrack around. My heart always picks up whenever I hear Zuko and Zhao's Agni Kai music chant. And who can shake the haunting "Four Seasons" melody from their minds? Or the melancholy "Soldier Boy", which never fails to make me tear up? Iroh's sungi horn soundbyte has become one of the most resonant bars of music in my mind, as have so many of the tunes and pieces that weaved the story and seasons together. You outdid yourself in the finale with the final Agni Kai. Bravo.

To the voice actors and all the guest voice actors who I know have busy schedules but made the appearance anyhow--you rock. Thank you for bringing the characters to vivid life.

To the producers and Nickelodeon corporate big-wigs, and everyone who made Avatar the force it is: thank you for giving this show a chance and for seeing the beauty of the tale and pimping it out.

Lastly, to the fandom and all the wonderful people I met along this journey: thank you for your humor, your wisdom, your crack, and all the support and dedication to the show you've dished out over three seasons. My experience of Avatar--and my life--would not be the same without all of you and everything you brought to it.

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now that the show's over. Fandom lives on and I'll continue to write fanfics as long as I have ideas and time. I'll probably watch Bleach (I've already started, and I don't know what to think yet), but I know it just won't be the same.

I guess all I can do is hold my breath until 2010 (as my manip below demonstrates).

More evidence that NPH belongs on Broadway...

Among the cast of How I Met Your Mother, NPH vs. Jason Segel (Marshall) in a singoff of epic proportions:

Because I'm too lazy to repost here...

...a link to my LJ post about my thoughts on the conclusion to Dr. Horrible.

Spoiler warnings in effect.

Go watch Dr. Horrible while it's still online.!

More Muppets...

Thank the gods for YouTube--the Muppets are such fantastic characters to watch in action.

Elmo giving a pretty hilarious interview on an Australian late night talk show:




Beaker singing Beethoven's Ode to Joy (he always was one of my favorite Muppets):




R.E.M. and Furry, Happy Monsters:




James Blunt can't get over his hypotenuse:

Sunny day/Sweepin' the/Clouds away....

If you had a North American upbringing between the 70s and 90s, you know the rest of the lyrics to the opening of Sesame Street, celebrating its 39th season this year.



I got to watching a clip of Feist singing her 1,2,3,4 song rejigged to teach kids how much fun it is to count to 4, which led me to the 39th season highlights reel (distributed as part of a media package). And suddenly, I was 6 again, parked in front of the ol' Radiation King, singing along with Captain Vegetable.

More than two decades after I was deemed too old to watch the show (okay, so I still stop on PBS whenever I see an Ernie and Bert skit) I continue to be amazed by writers' abilities to transform trends, popular culture, movies and TV shows into child-friendly lessons pushing a wholesome educational curriculum all while keeping adults stimulated.

Take the highlight reel's brief clip of the SS version of 30 Rock, 30 Rocks, starring Liz Lemon, aptly portrayed by a frazzled Muppet of a lemon who sounds exactly like Tina Fey, shouting "The rocks are late! I need 30 rocks for the rock sketch..." (Blame the child in me--I snorted out loud.) Or the classic Indiana Jones references as acted by Telly, or the hilariously lampooned Pre-School Musical, a not-too-gentle jab at Disney's candy-coated tween/teen tripe phenom.

On top of that, I'm always impressed by the number of celebrities who will recite the alphabet, sing a song, count, and interact with waist-high foam and felt characters with hands shoved up their...backs.

There's something to be said about one's fame once you land a spot on Sesame Street. Forget about stars on the Walk of Fame--if you make it to the Street, you're made.

Especially squeeful this season: cameos by Neil Patrick Harris (who seems to be singing a song in a white coat and tails plus fairy wings--I'm sure the writers added those in for the parents' enjoyment); David Beckham, Jack Black, Kim Catrall, Sandra Oh, Dirty Jobs' Mike Rowe (climbing out of Oscar the Grouch's trash can, no less) and more.

Thirty-nine and still going strong. Someone needs to tell me how to get to Sesame Street.

WIN FREE BOOKS!!!!

I wouldn't be a good blogger/author/member of the Toronto Romance Writers if I didn't pass this on to my small but loyal readership.

Book Giveaway!

In a few short words, the TRW's published members got together and launched this wonderful contest. If you like books, and you want fun stuff to read, enter the contest!

Enter this contest for a chance to win 24 books!

Dr. Horrible's Pure Mad Genius

Fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and Firefly: If you haven't seen Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog, you've been living in a cave.

Go watch it now.

Joss Whedon has managed to pull together his signature quirk and drama for this 3-part, one-off, web-only series about Dr. Horrible (played to a diabolical T by the wry yet sweet-voiced Neil Patrick Harris) who is seeking fame and glory as a supervillain and membership into the Evil League of Evil. As he schemes and plots, he is constantly distracted by his laundromat crush, Penny, a veteran of BTVS, and thwarted by his nemesis, Captain Hammer, played by Firefly's Nathan Fillion.

Harris, who has remade himself almost two decades after the launch of Doogie Howser, M.D., never ceases to amaze, not only with his acting skills--he plays a socially awkward douchebag evil genius like no one else can--but with his surprising vocal talent, too. There's a quality of agelessness around him, one that is reminiscent of Buffy-ite James Marsters (i.e. Spike), and his acting ability really stands out in this musical satire. With a tilt of his chin, he goes from looking like a lost, innocent freshman intent on not ogling his crush's freshly laundered panties to a jaded madman bent on revenge against the world.

Similarily, Fillion's ability to swing from rogue hero (Firefly's Captain Mal Reynolds) to dastardly devil (Buffy's Caleb) gives him a wonderful range to work from in his role as Captain Hammer, who I can only describe as a construction worker on steroids. The jock to Dr. Horrible's nerd, one can't help but melt at the twinkle in Hammer's eye while wanting to punch the sexy smirk from his face.

This is an amazing series, which launched this week to a phenomenal response that crashed the web site on opening day. Parts one and two are up, and the third act will be available July 19th.
The musical numbers are fantastic, the production values on par with Buffy episodes. I hope to see a soundtrack (and DVD) soon!

w00t!

"Fanboy" has been entered into the Merriam-Websters dictionary.

Vice City

It's taken me a week or so to recover from my trip, which was fabulous and strange and full of crazy hijinks...okay, not really, but it felt that way at times.

Miami: it was bloody hot, with an average in the 90s (35C for us Canucks) every day. The cab ride into the South Beach strip felt like something straight out of playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. Minus the big hair of the 80's, it looked exactly like the video game, right down to the half-naked people strolling up and down the strip.

It was surreal. Pastel-colored buildings dominate the strip, with Art Deco facades that came straight out of the 50s/80s. Most of these buildings house hotels/restaurants/bars/lounges on the front, with rooms above. We stayed at the Whitelaw Hotel, one street up from the strip. Even with the "quietest" (i.e. farthest from the lobby) room, it was a noisy, drunken Saturday night. (For everyone else, not us. We like sleep and my traveling companions, curse you all, like to wake up at 6:30 a.m. to run--like this chick in Vice City screenshot below.)

ALL of these hotels/restaurants play dance music. Every. Freakin'. Hour. Of. The. Day. I tell ya, I've never had eggs and sausage to the gut-bouncing rhythm of techno until now.

We spent some time shopping--okay, we spent LOTS of time shopping--at which point I realized my comfy leather flipflops were in fact my torturous flesh-rending flipflops. I have two lovely chunks of flesh missing now from the tops of my feet and a new pair of flipflops now.

The best day spent was on the beach, where we rented chairs ($10 apiece) and an umbrella ($12) and lay in the sun and soaked in the salty surf. Saltwater is rather painful in fresh wounds, I've learned. I was kinda waiting for a shark to swim up over the sandbar to start nibbling on my gooey feet, but all I ended up with was sand in my bikini bottom (mmm, gritty).

The South Beach strip is really a party strip where guys go to ogle the pretty ladies in their boobtastic finery, while the girls go to ogle the tanned beach bums displaying their carefully airbrushed abs. It's not a family place, so don't bother staying on the strip unless your intention is to drink your face off and wake up next to some guy named Chad or Chet or Gage.

Said bimbos, both of the male and female persuasion, seem intent on cruising in stealtacular Hummers, convertibles, and fancy-schmancy vehicles along Ocean Avenue. Though it makes for a good spectacle, all I could think was a) how can anyone possibly afford the gas to go cruising these days? and b) how did anyone ever manage to hijack anything in GTA:VC with all the traffic and cops around?

(Obviously, I was distracted by the the realism of Vice City. They really got it down to a T, though. I will never doubt the video game makers at Rockstar again.)

I'm snipping this post and will write more about the cruise later.

STOP! Grammartime.

I just wanted to share this little grammar bit I encountered on my Miami trip because I thought it was hilarious.

We were at a Sephora store on South Beach, and I saw a product with this label:

Waterproof Eye Makeup Remover.

I thought to myself, "Huh, now why would I want makeup remover that's waterproof? How am I going to get that off my face when I go to shower?"

At which point I realized it should have read thusly:

Waterproof-Eye-Makeup Remover.

Oh, hyphenated compound adjectives. You get me every time....

Going to Miami...

I'm off to Miami and a 4-day Caribbean cruise!

See ya, landlubbers!

P.S. Go see WALL-E. Omigod, it was the Schindler's List of Pixar--bleak and uplifting all at once. Not that I could ever bring myself to watch the whole thing through (Schindler's List, not WALL-E.)

I smell a Best Animated Film Oscar....

Hey...High Concept really does work!

Hancock's initial trailer pitch:
Will Smith plays a feckless, uncouth superhero who must clean up his image to recapture the public's approval.

Hancock's new and improved trailer pitch:
Will Smith plays a feckless, uncouth superhero who must clean up his image to recapture the public's approval, but in his quest to become a kinder, gentler man, he's becoming mortal.

I was at a seminar recently about high concept writing, and realized it really does work. When I saw the first trailer for Hancock, I was all, "Meh, might be good on a matinee at Rainbow Cinema." But when I saw the newest commercial and heard this additional line about becoming mortal, I thought, "Hey, now, THAT'S a movie I want to see. "

Why? CONFLICT.

It's the foundation for all good storytelling, goddamn it. I'm glad Hollywood marketing realized that.

Now to see if the movie is actually any good....

On a separate note, I saw The Incredible Hulk over the weekend. My review's pretty simple: better than the godawful first one. Liv Tyler spends most of the movie whispering "Bruuuuce" and "It's okay, you'll be okay"; Ed Norton is an okay Bruce Banner (but I don't really have a clue as to how he can be played--having never read the comics, I just can't really characterize his alter ego the way I do Peter Parker or Clark Kent); and the scenes filmed in Toronto on U of T campus and along Yonge Street really distracted me from the frenetic, explosive action. Still, fun. But not as good as Iron Man.

The Darkest Pleasure...acknowledgment!

New York Times bestselling author Gena Showalter has thanked me and my colleagues in her latest book, The Darkest Pleasure!

That's me in the centre.


Yes, Gena Showalter is the author of the infamous The Nymph King. I've actually read the book previous to this one in the series called The Darkest Kiss, and it was pretty good.

Nothing like hot, sex-crazy immortal guys with paranormal powers and demons possessing their souls. Now go out and buy it.

(Ha! Now John and I are even!)

DO NOT WANT, Part 3

REJECTED AGAIN!!!

Hello!

Thank you so much for your submission to the Tickle My Fantasy anthology. I’m sorry to tell you that your story was not selected. I had a lot of really great submissions, and it was a very, very tough decision. Ultimately, the stories I chose fit better with the direction I wanted to take the anthology.

I’m sorry I don’t have better news, but I thank you for thinking of Samhain, and I wish you the very best of luck with your writing.

Thanks!

Laurie

Laurie M. Rauch, Editor
Samhain Publishing, Ltd.;
"It's all about the story.”
www.samhainpublishing.com

I'm not actually that surprised about this one. I didn't think my submission was up to snuff, though I'd worked pretty diligently on it for three months straight. But it was a fun (read: excruciatingly painful) learning process. And now I know I can write to deadline if need be.

*goes off to drown sorrows in a litre of iced tea*

Someone should make a movie of this starring Ewan McGregor

Just saw the Luminato production of Black Watch.

In a few words: hot Scottish guys in uniform, often stripping down to their skivvies, performing lots of beautiful non-gay choreography. Also, loud explosions, and lots of swearing in sexy Scottish brogue. And a bagpipe.

Oh, and there was some stuff about how crappy the Iraq War is.

P.S. The building got hit by lightning halfway through the show, busting the speakers, so they had to stop the production to reboot the sound equipment.

Good times.

AvatarSQUEEEEEeee....

A rundown of Shyamalan's The Last Airbender according to the big-screen preview (via Reuters):

• A $250-million budget for three movies (mostly to be spent on CGI).
• First movie to be released July 2, 2010.
• Set to be shot in Greenland and Vietnam.
• Shyamalan's having trouble dealing with a PG rating, since he's used to R.
  

More info on the movie here, here and here.

P.S. You'll notice the four elements icon--I'm gonna try to use that for any Avatar-related squeeness from now on, just so those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about can go, hey, there it is again...maybe I should start watching me summa dat dere show, eh?

FullMetal Review

To stave off Avatar withdrawal syndrome, I've been catching up on other series I've been meaning to watch and I finally finished FullMetal Alchemist, plus the movie Conqueror of Shamballa.

Overall thoughts regarding the series:

A great story concept with interesting, fleshed-out characters, both main and side, each of them chock full of flaws. Themes of morality, friendship, brotherhood, loyalty, and the alchemist's concept of "equivalent trade" are woven together to form a cohesive train of thought that steams through the overarching plot.

Edward Elric (blond kid in red and black) is a wonderfully whimsical and equally serious (read as: angsty) teenager scrabbling to become a fully realized avatar alchemist so that he can regain his younger brother's body, and his own arm and leg, lost while trying to perform human transmutation. His brother, Al, is the perfect sidekick, a sweet-voiced empty body of armor Robin to Ed's bionic Batman.

The two travel the world looking for the Philosopher's Stone, a quest that is both a real as well as a metaphorical one for the two youngsters who, at ages 15 and 13, are only just learning to become grown-ups despite their fantastic abilities and wide-ranging experience.

Episode by episode, it seems as if the Elric brothers are simply wandering from town to town and solving everyone's problems on their quest for the stone while catching Pokemon/mastering the four elements. But as the seasons and storyline progress, fate draws the net tight around everyone and everything the two alchemists have touched. The climax to this series is a worthwhile payoff, and the ensuing movie ties up the loose ends very satisfactorily.

For 51 episodes plus a movie, this was a worthwhile jaunt through a well-honed universe.


Okay, now the downside:

As with all anime, the English-subtitled version is usually better than the English dubbed versions. I watched the series with subtitles and the Conqueror of Shamballa in English dub. Still, I'm not sure either translation would have saved the overly introspective dialogue.

It seems the bane of manga storytelling is to explain everything ad nauseum rather than rely on the viewer/reader to figure it out on their own. Ed often launches into the details of how he beat his newest foe...while still fighting him. It's not exactly a convenient time to give a show and tell.

Additionally, given the age and maturity of Ed and his brother, the two do an awful lot of thinking and angsting when they're in the middle of a crisis. Either we're looking at two exceptionally sensitive and insightful young men, or the series is suffering from what I'd like to call "writer's ventriloquism" where a rational adult with greater conscience has to speak for the characters in order to drive the story/theme onwards.

I can happily say that episodes aren't spent powering up with "the last of my strength", though some tete-a-tetes have spanned over more than one episode for dramatic effect. And at least there aren't cards and numbers and glorified cockfights involved.

Actually, the fight scenes are usually good to watch, blending lots of hand-to-hand combat with martial arts and shiny sparkly alchemy. And the skills and powers of each character seem to be fairly consistent throughout.

And there's blood. Lots of blood. And crazy, messed-up monster animals that end up having a lot more soul than you'd think possible.

Still, an editor's hand at these 24-minute episodes (reduced to something like 20 minutes after the extensive opening and closing credits) would have saved us a season or more.


Best thing about the series:

These guys. Ed's cohorts among the military are a great bunch to watch, each with a very particular personality and niche in the storyline. They really make subtlety an art form, compared to Ed and Al's constant begrudging and mewling about the world's problems.

As "dogs of the military," they bring so many themes and issues to the front of the story, and endear themselves to us because, no matter how wrong the things they do are, they absolutely believe in what they do because they think the ends will justify the means. They're heroes and anti-heroes all at once, and we constantly want them to do what's right...but what's "right" gets so muddied, all you can hope for is guidance.

Also, I totally ship Mustang x Hawkeye (black-haired hottie in the centre and the blond chick.)

Psst...Keep your eye on Alex Louis Armstrong (big guy in the back). He's frickin' awesome.


Bottom line:

A great show, and well worth a couple weeks' viewing time. Definitely recommended for ages 14 and up.