Ruining my childhood one movie at a time...

Despite being pretty awesome for special effects and some modicum of nostalgia, the Transformers movie SUCKED.

No, no, don't argue with me here...it sucked big, sweaty donkey balls, and the only thing that saved it were what's-her-name's cleavage and the robots.

Now Hollywood dares to ravage the rest of my childhood with the G.I. Joe movie?

Now, normally, I'd be rational about this because, despite what the reviews will be, I will be first--okay, maybe forty-eighth--in line to see this film. I would keep my expectations low and say to myself, "Self, you've waited twenty years to see this. Don't get too excited. Remember what happened at Phantom Menace?"

After taking a gander at the cast, I've decided to shelve my expectations in the sub-sub-basement. On the bottom shelf. Under a Blu-Ray copy of the original animated Transformers movie (because it doesn't get lower than that).

Why?

Because Joseph Gordon-Levitt is going to play Cobra Commander.


That's right, the kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun. (Isn't he dreamy...?)

Not that it really matters--he's in a mask anyhow, he's filled out and is in Stop Loss, etc. etc. But STILL....I'm highly bemused.

My hopes lie scattered upon the ground like the many pieces of my defunct and elastic bandless G.I. Joe action figures.

On the other hand, I look forward to utterly mediocre performances from a cast of B-list actors as they fire non-lethal lasers across the battlelines without ever hitting anyone.

• Dennis Quaid as General Hawk (the poor man's Harrison Ford is on a role after Vantage Point...)
• Channing Tatum as Duke (oddly, he played Duke in She's the Man and is just coming off of promoting Stop Loss.)
• Sienna Miller as the Baroness (I have nothing funny to say about her...to the depths of obscurity I cast thee!)
• Christopher Eccleston as Destro (the cranky old invisible guy from "Heroes"...does he even have enough meat on his head to hold that mask?)
• Marlon Wayans as Ripcord (ten bucks says he dies first)
• Ray Park as Snake-Eyes (about as many lines as Darth Maul, eh, Ray?)
• Arnold Vosloo as Zartan (The Mummy's mummy's bringing sexy back...)

I'm not holding my breath. All I can say is...if there are trouble bubbles, it'll be worth the $12 admission. Okay, $8.50 at the Rainbow Cinemas. Or $3.33 for pirated a DVD bootleg.

The A-Team movie, however, isn't worth my time or another word.