Just came back from a rare night of debauchery. Well, a night on the town after a VERY long Saturday at work, anyhow.
My friend Jodi is getting married - woo hoo! So her bridal party threw her the mandatory girls nite out with lots of drinking and dancing. I don't know about naked men since I wasn't around for the first part of it, but I'm sure there were enough gross-tacular men at the club for all of us.
The club is a very interesting scene. One which does not often get enough analysis. Not in blog form, anyhow. Then again, I don't read many blogs, and I'm rather djrunk with a j right now, but... what was I saying?
Club etiquette is one of those things you learn in the "hidden curriculum" as my teacher sister likes to call it. No one really tells you how it's done, or what to do - you're just expected to know.
Not being much of a clubber, I observed some key points to a successful club night, even through my exhaustion and somewhat tipsy stupor, and here I will share them with you all.
1. Get drunk. Not crazy fall-on-your-ass drunk: just drunk enough so that the swaying of the crowds matches the swaying of your head. If you walk in more sober than Jesus during Lent, head straight for the bar and down the easiest-to-drink cocktail you can. Then follow it up with a sipping drink of your choice - wine, beer, cooler, whatever.
The best drinks to have on the dance floor are bottled, so they don't spill everywhere. If you must have wine or a cocktail in a big-mouthed glass, drink it down to at least below the 2/3 filled mark, otherwise it's bound to splash as you make your way through the undulating forest of bodies and back to your circle of friends.
2. a) Bring as little baggage as possible. Having no more than a small shoulder purse, or better yet a hand purse, prevents extra jostling on the dance floor. Check everything you can at the coat check, including sweaters, umbrellas, scarves, etc. This goes for clothes too - it may be only 10 degrees Celcius out, but inside it's a balmy body-heat-induced 30. So yes, tank tops are enough. Check that extra pullover in at coat check.
When it comes to footwear, I've found that sandals at the club, while cute and pretty, really aren't practical or necessary, mostly because 1) the floor gets lots of spillage from dancers' drinks as well as broken glass, and 2) no one can see your cute little pedicure in the dark anyhow. Might as well don those comfy dress shoes and keep your little piggies from being stepped on.
b) Be nice to the coat check people. I almost lost my leather jacket tonight as it had been misplaced, but getting angry and swearing and yelling really doesn't help get anything done faster. Most coat check people get stuck into a horrible little area and are forced to pack in hundreds of heavy leather coats in sequential order on a limited number of racks.
If they really do lose your coat, check around for a sign that says "we are not liable for lost of stolen items." If there isn't one, you have a case to bring to the manager. It's that simple. They'll pay for your jacket if you have a receipt or something (I keep my receipt for my leather jacket because it's under warranty) and won't hassle with you if you even mention a lawyer. In any case, I got my jacket back by being smily and patient. Smiles and not swearing at people should be applied to all the club staff - bartenders, bouncers, bathroom attendants, whatever. Think about it: they'll never be able to relax and unwind at a club like you are because it'll be just like work. *Shudder.*
3. Dance! Most of the standing room you're occupying is dance floor. In fact, at most dance clubs, there's nothing but dance floor. So don't just stand there sipping your drink: shake that booty. Otherwise, you'll 1) look like a total stick-in-the-mud, and 2) probably end up spilling your drink if you don't sway with the crowd.
When it comes to dancing, I find it's best to just do what you do, even if you think you look like an idiot. How do you know if your dancing sucks? Well, if people keep staring at you, pointing, and laughing, then that chicken-dance you're showing off probably isn't going over well with the crowd. Try planting your feet in about the same spot and just gyrating your hips, shoulders, knees, hands, whatever. When the swaying of the crowd is in sync with your own swaying and the room looks as though it's stopped moving, you're in the groove.
4. Avoid dirty men. These are the guys who creep into the centre of your circle and try to grind with each and every one of you and your friends. These guys are prowlers: men looking for nothing more than a quick cheap feel or - heaven forbid - a tumble in the hay. You may be drunk, but don't encourage them. If you feel even remotely uncomfortable, ignore him and turn around and start talking with a friend. If he persists, tries to touch you or talk to you, stop all dancing, frown at him, roll your eyes at your friends, do something to indicate to others around you, "I don't like him, let us push him from the circle." It will become an unspoken - or sometimes loudly spoken - understanding among your group. The dirty man will leave. If he doesn't, that's what bouncers are for.
5. Have fun! And if you really aren't having fun, stop torturing yourself and the people around you, give up your 2-foot-by-2-foot dance floor space and gracefully bid all a good evening. Go home, shower, cuddle up with a good book, whatever turns your crank.
So that's it. I'm exhausted now and pretty sobered up, so to bed I go.
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