Monday, August 22, 2005

Reasons Why Employers Should Not Make Enemies out of Insane People

In case you didn't know, I TP'd my old boss's office on my last day of work.

And I wasn't joking.
Here's the proof.

For those of you aspiring to leave your workplace with a bang, I've put together some notes that will help you maximize your satisfaction and leverage your vengeance upon leaving your godforsaken workplace.

HOW TO TP YOUR BOSS'S OFFICE: I recommend using an industrial sized roll of single-ply tissue paper. You can thread your arm through the extra-large roll and yank it out in nice, long ribbons and string it all over the place. It's much nicer to have one coninuous band of paper, but wherever possible, thread the tissue
through small holes and around tall objects. Make sure to cover all horizontal surfaces and fill drawers and other compartments. Coat pockets and CD drives, for instance.

If TP isn't enough for you, melt a little chocolate and smear it onto some of the tissue. (You could use real poo, but it's not easy to work with, and tends to spread e-coli.) This is especially effective for the germophobic boss who Purell's his hands every hour.

If you're particularly bitter, you may want to liberally coat the floor in sugar, especially if the office is carpeted, and work it into the corners and into the rug fibres - ants will find their way in and make the domicile a wonderland of insectoid fun.

Raging like a bull inside? Add finely-ground glassn or sharp, tiny pebbles to the sugar mixture. (Reserved only for that crazy boss who walks around the office without socks or shoes.)

Finally, make sure your boss sees your masterpiece and knows who did it without saying it. Get pictures and ensure that the rest of the office sees your work too. Who knows? Perhaps they could improve upon it in future times...

A final word to you all: the environment is a delicate thing. Reduce, reuse, and recycle. With that in mind, save what TP you can and tell your boss to use it to wipe your ass before he kisses it goodbye.

This post is dedicated to all the wonderful Posties, and anyone who has ever had to work with Lorne (right). May your vengeance be cold and sweet, and your departure swift.

Okay, I guess I'll dedicate it to Lorne, too, for being a good sport and not suing me.

Now find out if your boss is a psychopath.


Danielle said...

Vicki, that's awesome. Hehehe...I just left "bite me" wallpaper on my computer's desktop when I quit my last job.

The Red Fork said...

I have never been so happy to see stuff on the internet. Never in my life.