Major Major Major Major Ass

(Warning - long, ranting post ahead.)

I am the proud owner of a very stylish, very practical, and very inexpensive Royal Canadian Artillery dress jacket, which I bought at AAA Army Surplus in Kensington Market for $25. I bought this jacket a few years ago, and have received many compliments on it. I even get a few fearful glances as people shuffle away from me. Which is always nice.

Today, I wore my jacket out during my lunchtime walk around Scarborough Town Centre. As I approached the mall, a security guard from the adjacent federal building stopped me and asked if I was a part of the reserves. Though tempted to say yes, I know it's illegal to impersonate an officer, so I said no.

"Well, you can't wear that," he said about my jacket. "It's illegal to wear army uniforms in public."

Huh? But I bought the jacket this way at a store, said I.

"They're meant to take the patches off," said the rent-a-cop. As an afterthought: "I was in the service."

"Uh huh. Well, good to know." I grinned manically and stalked away.

Okay, I understand, maybe you're offended that a little asian girl is wearing nicer clothes than you and didn't have to "earn" them by trudging through wind, rain, sun and snow. Maybe you're bitter that for some reason, you're no longer serving your country and are reduced to wearing a crappy $15 windbreaker from your half-assed security company and toting a giant walkie talkie instead of a grenade launcher.

But C'MON. Don't you have something better to do, like harrass the hoodlums smoking and spitting and fighting on your doorstep? I might add the following:

a) I wasn't impersonating an officer: I was wearing a nice, waterproof, warm jacket.
b) I wasn't in anything CLOSE to standard-issue gear. The velvet scarf and dangly topaz earrings should have given that away.
c) I didn't splatter myself with blood and run in circles screaming "AHHH! LOOK AT ME! I'M IN AFGHANISTAN!!!"
d) Do I LOOK like I could possibly be in the Forces? I'm freakin' 5'2" and weigh 130 pounds. I wouldn't survive the bus trip. I just want to wear practical, affordable clothes, dammit!

Did I in some way offend the entire Royal Canadian Artillery? I proudly support Canadian troops in peacekeeping missions around the world and think the government could stand to throw a bone at its starving military.

So I did my homework (one of the few times - only anger gets me to do research) and guess what? It IS in the Criminal Code under Fraud and Forgery. No need to call the cops yet though: I'm in the clear:

Applying or removing marks without authority	417. (1) Every one who, (a) without lawful authority, the proof of which lies on him, applies a distinguishing mark to anything, or (b) with intent to conceal the property of Her Majesty in public stores, removes, destroys or obliterates, in whole or in part, a distinguishing mark, is guilty of an indictable offence and liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding two years.
Unlawful transactions in public stores	(2) Every one who, without lawful authority, the proof of which lies on him, receives, possesses, keeps, sells or delivers public stores that he knows bear a distinguishing mark is guilty of (a) an indictable offence and is liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding two years; or (b) an offence punishable on summary conviction.
Definition of "distinguishing mark"	(3) For the purposes of this section, "distinguishing mark" means a distinguishing mark that is appropriated for use on public stores pursuant to section 416. R.S., c. C-34, s. 375.
Selling defective stores to Her Majesty	418. (1) Every one who knowingly sells or delivers defective stores to Her Majesty or commits fraud in connection with the sale, lease or delivery of stores to Her Majesty or the manufacture of stores for Her Majesty is guilty of an indictable offence and liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding fourteen years.
Offences by representatives	(2) Every one who, being a representative of an organization that commits, by fraud, an offence under subsection (1), (a) knowingly takes part in the fraud, or (b) knows or has reason to suspect that the fraud is being committed or has been or is about to be committed and does not inform the responsible government, or a department thereof, of Her Majesty, is guilty of an indictable offence and liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding fourteen years. R.S., 1985, c. C-46, s. 418; 2003, c. 21, s. 6.1.
Unlawful use of military uniforms or certificates	419. Every one who without lawful authority, the proof of which lies on him, (a) wears a uniform of the Canadian Forces or any other naval, army or air force or a uniform that is so similar to the uniform of any of those forces that it is likely to be mistaken therefor, (b) wears a distinctive mark relating to wounds received or service performed in war, or a military medal, ribbon, badge, chevron or any decoration or order that is awarded for war services, or any imitation thereof, or any mark or device or thing that is likely to be mistaken for any such mark, medal, ribbon, badge, chevron, decoration or order, (c) has in his possession a certificate of discharge, certificate of release, statement of service or identity card from the Canadian Forces or any other naval, army or air force that has not been issued to and does not belong to him, or (d) has in his possession a commission or warrant or a certificate of discharge, certificate of release, statement of service or identity card, issued to an officer or a person in or who has been in the Canadian Forces or any other naval, army or air force, that contains any alteration that is not verified by the initials of the officer who issued it, or by the initials of an officer thereto lawfully authorized, is guilty of an offence punishable on summary conviction. R.S., c. C-34, s. 377.
Military stores	420. (1) Every one who buys, receives or detains from a member of the Canadian Forces or a deserter or an absentee without leave therefrom any military stores that are owned by Her Majesty or for which the member, deserter or absentee without leave is accountable to Her Majesty is guilty of (a) an indictable offence and is liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding five years; or (b) an offence punishable on summary conviction.
Exception	(2) No person shall be convicted of an offence under this section where he establishes that he did not know and had no reason to suspect that the military stores in respect of which the offence was committed were owned by Her Majesty or were military stores for which the member, deserter or absentee without leave was accountable to Her Majesty. R.S., c. C-34, s. 378.
Evidence of enlistment	421. (1) In proceedings under sections 417 to 420, evidence that a person was at any time performing duties in the Canadian Forces is, in the absence of any evidence to the contrary, proof that his enrolment in the Canadian Forces prior to that time was regular.
Presumption when accused a dealer in stores	(2) An accused who is charged with an offence under subsection 417(2) shall be presumed to have known that the stores in respect of which the offence is alleged to have been committed bore a distinguishing mark within the meaning of that subsection at the time the offence is alleged to have been committed if he was, at that time, in the service or employment of Her Majesty or was a dealer in marine stores or in old metals.

Hmm. So you can wear army fatigues as long as they don't belong to the Queen and you didn't buy them from her. From what I can interpret, the AAA army surplus store - a private, non-public store - supposedly bought these goods, which were declared surplus and hence no longer property of the Queen, and sold them to me, the private individual who has no idea about where they came from. It's not like I can look at the collar and see if "Elizabeth II" is sewn into it, after all.

Just to be sure, I contacted the Canadian Forces and am waiting for a reply that surely will not come. I have no reason to believe this will get me into further trouble, but I hate having my fashion sense mangled. I think the rent-a-cop was just looking to wave his penis around and yell "I'M A MAN!!! LOOK AT ME!!!"

Anyhow, you can buy the badges, swords, and other artillery gear at stores. Army surplus is sold by the Crown Assets Distribution Centre. So unless the Canadian Gov't wants to hang onto all its dust-collecting surplus, Mr. SecurityMan can kiss my brass buttoned ass.