Penis penis penis penis penis....

Either I'll end up sounding like a deranged fangirl or a prudish mother for posting this, but..

Daniel Radcliffe! Naked!

My eyes! They burn!

Now I'll never watch another Harry Potter movie without thinking of that. *shudders*

The Life of Baby Bowie, Day One...

That's right, they went and named my niece Bowie, after David "Ziggy Stardust" Bowie.

Well, Bowie, let it never be said that your parents didn't care about you having a boring name. It could have been Mila. (And here I was all ready to call you Mila Gila Monster...)

Apparently, my niece is going to be a rock star. You can tell: she already has the Gene Simmons tongue thing going. (Watch the vid.)

Watch her do silly baby things now!

The Aunts Go Marching Two by Two, hurrah, hurrah!

I'm an Aunt!

At 6 lbs. 13 oz., my sister Fiona gave birth by Caesarian section to a little baby girl.

Koh the Face Stealer, as I will call her (though I think her parents might be naming her something else), is a welcome addition to our little household. Congrats to Fi and Heny!

And best of luck to me, since I plan to doom...I mean, babysit this child....

Finally! My idea has entered someone else's brain!

I've been demanding one of these forever (available now from the great people at ThinkGeek.com):
It's a driving emoticon! Now you can flip a guy off with all the civility of a seasoned Internet user!

Pretty nifty, for expressionless people who are too afraid to lift a finger to flip a guy off...like me.

Grand Theft Auto: Driving Lessons Edition

Over the weekend, John and I finally picked up a PS2. We own a bunch of games for it, but only my sister and her hubby owned the system, so we really didn't play all that much. Now, though, I can play to my heart's content.

Among the games we own is the highly-acclaimed Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.

Now, I like violence as much as the next person. But when it comes to driving around the city, I try to obey the traffic signals as much as I can...even if they don't always make sense in the game. Because if there's one thing I just can't abide by, it's poor driving.

The result is me yelling questions at John...who has rightfully taken to ignoring me when I play GTA.

Among my queries:

• How do I signal for a left turn?
• Ooh, shiny mo-ped! Hmm...where's my helmet?
• Ohhh, nooo! I hit a lady! Quick! I have a cell phone in my inventory! How can I call 911?
• How do I honk my horn? Those people are crossing on a red! Common courtesy, people!
  
• Parallel parking is so much fun....Oooh, now I'm gonna practice my 3-point turns!
• Am I going to get ticketed if I leave my car here? I have to go in and shoot someone, but I should be back in, like, five minutes.
• Shouldn't I, like, put gas in the car?
  

Nympho

In a historic first for Harlequin, four books the company has published have made it on the New York Times, three of which are in the top 10.

The fourth? Well, that would be Gena Showalter's The Nymph King, a sexy modern fantasy tale about a civilization of Atlanteans (water nymphs) who need to have sex with women from the surface world in order to maintain their warrior powers to fight off dragons. This book is #32 on NYT's list of bestselling paperbacks.

For your reading pleasure, my coworker, who read and edited it, compiled a few choice lines from the novel (you are forewarned of sexually explicit content. Don't say I didn't warn you):



* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Broderick sighed and scrubbed a hand down his face, his expression grim. “We need sex, Valerian, and we need it now.”
“I know.” Unfortunately, the three exhausted humans sleeping in his bed would never be able to handle all of these lust-hungry nymphs at once.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Gods, my cock needs some female attention.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I must admit you brought religion into my life, she thought, gazing at the bride, who also happened to be her mother. I finally believe in hell.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“I just had Botox. I shouldn’t have a single line or crease. Do you see a wrinkle? Do you see a goddamn wrinkle? I can’t lift my brows to find out—the muscles won’t work.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

All six of the warriors were suddenly looking at her as if she’d make a tasty meal, no silverware required. Strangely enough, she wanted to splay herself on a table, naked, offering her body as the dinner buffet. All you can eat. No charge.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

He’d never seen skin as fair and luminous as hers, not even on a vampire.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Why are you not begging for me to pleasure you?”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Please. Let us go. Just leave us alone.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“I’m afraid that’s the one thing I cannot do for you.” He squeezed her breasts. “I need to be inside you too badly.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“I am Valerian, leader of the nymphs. You may call me Oh, God. That is what the other surface dwellers have preferred to call me.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Another mermaid joined the brunette, a symphony of curves and colors, pressing herself against the crystal and smiling seductively at Valerian. Passion glazed her amethyst eyes. Shaye had no doubt what the two women were thinking: three-way.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“I thought nymphs were…” Obsessed with sex—check. Continuously naked—close. Willing to sleep with anything that moved—probably. “Female,” she ended lamely.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“At least tell me your name,” he cajoled.
“Up yours.”
“Come then, Up Yours, and I will show you the palace.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Women loved and worshipped him. They fought for his notice. They begged for his touch. They did not command him to die!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Relishing his role, the warrior slowly edged his way down the line, stopping here and there to unzip a woman’s dress and peek at her breasts. For a joyous few, he also sampled a taste of their nipples.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“You may spend the night with the three women who pleasured me. They will ensure you are strengthened.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“I’ll cut off your balls and use them for earrings.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“And I’m willing to forget this entire episode of The Male Whores of Atlantis if someone will. Just. Take. Me. Home.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Well…you can just blow me, Valerian.”
“Thank you. I will.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Valerian had never wanted anything as much as he wanted Shaye, and not being able to have her immediately was…difficult. Hard—literally.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“You really need to work on your bargaining skills. They suck.” Had her voice shaken?
“I would like to,” he muttered. “Suck you, that is.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Don’t you ever wear a shirt?” she grumbled, turning away her gaze.
“I saw how you looked at my chest and decided it was in my best interest to never wear a shirt again.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“It would be my greatest pleasure to cut off your balls and feed them to you.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“This conversation is boring.” Shaye sighed, but the breathy exhalation held a sharp bite. “I believe your cousin is ready to cut your head off. You might want to hurry out there.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Damn this! At this rate, his strength would be quickly depleted. Lack of sex did that to a nymph.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“I am injured,” he repeated. “Sex strengthens me. I will heal faster once I have penetrated you.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“My bed mate doesn’t want me,” Shivawn said bitterly. “How is that possible? I am a nymph.”
“As am I. I am king. I rule this place. My word is law.”
“Maybe—maybe Brenna only likes other women.”
“Ha! Her sexual preference doesn’t matter. All women like nymphs. They adore us.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Women,” Valerian agreed. He quickly drained two [glasses], the contents no longer burning. “I have told Shaye how much pleasure I can give her, but she does not listen.”
“Perhaps she needs to hear a few testimonials from your former lovers.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Much longer,” Shivawn added, “and not even self-pleasuring will help me.”
“Don’t our women know we have needs?”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“You want a piece of me? Oops, sorry. I already gave one to your brother.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Well, was Valerian good?” Barrie asked eagerly. “If he walks like a wet dream and talks like a wet
dream…I bet the king fucks like an animal.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“I was going to have a few of my former lovers advise you of my wondrous skill, but in the light of day that did not seem so wise.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

He was the kind of man women fantasized about but never actually encountered. And he continually offered himself to her, an all-you-can-eat smorgasbord of erotic delights.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

He was drinking in the sight of her breasts as if they were the most beautiful things he’d ever beheld. As if her too-pale skin and her average-size breasts topped his Christmas list.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Joachim,” she said, sinking into him and in the next instant he was fucking her with his face.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A nymph might share his lover with other nymphs, but not with other creatures. The women would then carry that creature’s scent and no male liked another creature’s smell on his lover. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. He could recall several of his men who became excited by that.

Oh, the power of the camera....

Since John and I purchased a digital camera, we finally have the opportunity to snap all those useless shots of things we want the rest of the world to know about, like our recent visitor.

One day, I might get around to taking nice pictures...if I ever get prettier. But you'll have to deal with these for now.

Here's a picture of our extended family: from L to R-- Stitch, Gator, Monkey, Charmander, Spider-Cat, Kitty, and Bootsie. Note that they're sitting on our ugly vinyl couch, a hand-me-around from my parents who got it from a friend who took it from his tenant.




Here's a picture of my recently acquired Avatar: The Last Airbender action figures. Because I have the bestest sister ever (thanks Fi!)

Also, yes, they are doing the "YMCA."

Prepare for future photoshoped pictures of action figure abuse.