Into the mouth of madness!!!

At this stage, you are thinking to yourself, "We really need to take that digital camera away from Vicki because that last thing I want a picture of is her god-awful dentistry."

But I'm posting this because I have to share the INCREDIBLE PAIN THAT HAS BEEN PLAGUING ME ALL WEEK.

That white spot in the back of my throat that looks like a cross between the Sea of Serenity and a reverse nipple is a canker sore that popped up on Tuesday and has been steadily growing in size. Right now, it's about 0.5 cm in diameter.

It's so swollen and painful, I get stabbing pains in my right ear canal and burning aches through my throat. Swallowing has become a serious issue. Food tends to rub and irritate it--anything more abrasive than soup puts me in tears.

I've been drinking fluids and taking ibuprofen to try to bring the swelling down, but nothing's worked so far. Gargling with salt water is ineffective, as I learned quickly, since my tongue blocks off my throat exactly where I need the saltwater to go.

You are probably saying to yourself, "Vicki, go to a damned doctor already!" Or else you are making jokes of a sexual nature, and sniggering about some sort of venereal disease. Haw haw herpes...yeah, yeah.

But man, this thing is enormous and really starting to hurt. I'm working with the theory that I have "yeet hay": too much "hot" energy in my body that causes breakouts. Crazy Chinese balance medicine thing, but 5000 years of Chinese history can't be wrong. So I'm trying to take in some "cold" foods, but relief is a long time coming, if the size of this thing has any bearing on my recovery.

Anyone out there have any suggestion on how to deal with this effectively? My stupid brain seems to think sticking a knife back there is a bad idea, so my tongue keeps pushing it away. I'm desperate, here, people. Help!

More Romance? Gee, what a surprise....

Harlequin is hosting its annual Romance Report Survey for 2008.

I COMMAND YOU to take it right now! It's anonymous and will take maybe about 10 minutes (perfect time waster for those slow work days.)

Go to it now! Click on Romance Survey to do it! DO IT, DO IT!

There's also a neat little "Confessional" section where you can divulge your deepest, darkest secrets to the world anonymously!

And if you want to read the 2006 and 2007 findings, they're available, too. Check them out here.

Hypothetically speaking... ( AKA the post that might scare John)

Working at Harlequin and having read my share of bad breakups, I came to wonder: how does one go about picking a day to break up with their long-time partner?

The answers and reasoning behind each will differ greatly, of course. In some jerkier Harlequin instances, heroine's former male counterparts will simply blurt out their intentions to ditch them at the worst possible moment; or the man will leave them at the altar with a note, or else there's a stoic caught-you-in-bed moment where the character just picks up and leaves to find themselves in Alaska or Montana or some such.

But how does it work in real life?

Say you've been together for years. You've developed what you once thought was a meaningful relationship and you still care for your mate, but perhaps you've fallen out of love, or your partner has begun to smell of a decaying beaver, or you simply loathe everything single thing about them, or whatever. But since you consider yourself a relatively sympathetic human being, you try to take their feelings into consideration. Do you say to yourself:

1) "Hmm, Monday afternoon's a good time to dump him (hypothetical him, John, stop worrying). Mondays already suck. Might as well have a fresh start to the week. Then again, I don't want him to brood about it all week and not get any work done...."

2) "Hmm, Fridays are good. Though I don't want him to brood about it all weekend. That would just ruin his time off."

3) "Hmm, Wednesday at lunch isn't bad. It's over the hump, he can have a day in shock and then get drunk on Thursday, and call in hungover on Friday. Long weekend...to brood. Crap...."

In addition, there's always a choice of when in the year to break up. Statistically speaking, most divorces and separations happen around the major holidays when families are forced together and often fail to be civil to one another. But what's suckier than being dumped just before Valentine's Day? Or Christmas? Or being dumped on either of those days?

Yet another factor would include your personal tolerance for continuing your aimless and lackluster relationship. For whatever reason, you've decided to cut ties with your partner. Maybe you had some grand personal revelation. Or maybe you realize that after X years together, you really don't see yourselves getting hitched. Do you march right up to your soon-to-be-ex and say, "Hey, you, we're through" ASAP? Or do you brood over it until you can't take it anymore and explode in their faces and tell them how much they suck?

Having never been through a real breakup, I can't say I completely understand this thought process. And before a hundred people jump on me to ask me what's wrong with my relationship, nothing is: I'm trying to write a few more books and I'm toying with this breakup scenario that I can't comprehend. I love John very much, and he is probably reading this right now and wondering what he's done wrong this time.

Nothing, my love. You've done nothing at all. I luvoo lots!

All this thinking kind of makes me wonder if people should apply for licenses to have a relationship--ones that need to be renewed every year. That way couples can just let them lapse if they don't want to be together anymore. Plus, they'd get nifty cards for their wallets reminding them exactly when their anniversary is, along with favorite color, shoe size, inseam length, allergies, birthdays and other vital stats.

Yeah. Best plan ever. Yeah.

Pimpin' products

Have time to waste? Have too much body hair?

This site is for you.

Check out the music video. The Philips Bodygroom song will be stuck in your head for hours after.

More Bowie cuteness

So cute you'll get cavities.

Video courtesy of my sister Jenny. Bookmark it for those dreary days when you need a smile and a little persepctive.

Watch it here.

I need a young priest and an old priest...

Baby Bowie at 6 months is rapidly developing oral communication and motor skills. Her favourite pastime is to combine the two skills while sitting in her high chair and eating (and thus spraying her feeder with food), or whilst in her bouncy chair, doing her baby thing and acting like she's all that.

Which she is, obviously.

Of course, in addition to her very cute babbling and laughing, she's also taken to scaring the beejebus out of us with her impression of Linda Blair. Have a look.