What's she eating under there?

Okay, my beef for the week: underwear. More specifically, the overexposure (forgive the pun) of certain female celebrities not wearing it.

Sure, it was kinda icky for Britney to be flashing her hoo-ha to the paparrazzi while getting out of a car. Yeah, not the best choice of times to be wearing a miniskirt. But stuff like that happens sometimes. They're called "bad errors in judgement." But who knows what her deal was? Maybe she was having an allergic reaction and had to ditch her panties or suffer scratching herself the entire night. Moreover, WHO CARES?

What, just because she's not donning a thong, she should be shoved back into the kitchen, barefoot and baby-laden, so we don't have to look at her not-so-hot bod anymore? Would it make you all feel better if she laced a shoestring around her hairy mons?

On the topic of thongs: WTF? I own one pair, and I've never worn them. Having my ass crack flossed all day is not what I consider comfy. I mean, what if you don't wipe properly? (Eeeewwww.) Of course, I know plenty of people who claim it's much more comfortable than a regular pair, and I'm not dissing them. But honestly, once you've exceeded minimum hot-box-area coverage, what's the point?

In my burgeoning adolescence, I asked a friend why bother with a g-string, and she said "to make it look like you're not wearing underwear."

AH-HA!!! So society expects us to LOOK like sex objects, but not actually BE sex objects. ("Oh, sorry, you're not beautiful enough, I can see your underwear lines beneath your slacks and that just means one more piece of clothing I will have to mentally undress you from.")

Dudes, really. Maybe it looks like I'm not wearing underwear. But you know I probably am. Deal with it. And if I'm not, deal with it.

(Another comment I've read said thongs are good so they don't stick out above your pants like granny panties. If that's the case, there are lots of different styles of underwear cut lower than your granma's...and maybe your pants are too low...or don't fit right....)

Ask around: many doctors recommend not wearing underwear when you can help it--at bedtime is the usual recommendation. Going commando allows the vagina to breathe, and doesn't trap sweat and nasty oogies that could stimulate yeast infections and other vaginal or urinary tract infections. Now, whether you want to go it solo while wearing a chafing pair of hip-hugger jeans is entirely your choice...

Another problem that could arise is the development of cysts in the crook of your crotch, where the leg meets your body. Admit it, ladies, you were loath to go from a pair of small panties to a medium, the same way you absolutely insisted that you were, in fact, still a size 4. Well, some people don't get the fact that a) we grow and b) gravity is a treacherous mistress. Having a bigger caboose on your train means bigger clothes that, thanks to the insane beauty and fashion standards imposed by the media and the fashion industry, we are completely unwilling to buy. But before I go spinning off into a rant about body image, let me get back to the vagina.

Dear Everyone who is looking:

IT'S A VAGINA.

Your mother has one. So does your grandmother, aunt, sister, and very likely, your kindergarten teacher.

DEAL WITH IT.

For that matter, the same goes with nipples.

Now leave these dirty, dirty celebrities alone so they can go nurse their babies and make casseroles for the church picnic.