Altered States

As my inner ear problem continues sporadically, with days when I feel perfectly fine and days when I'm deaf in my right ear, I've occasionally followed doctor's orders to take a decongestant, which is supposed to help relieve the stuffed up feeling. So far, the only thing the medication has helped with is keeping my already sparkling-clean nasal passages clear (and running) and giving me a twitchy boost of anxious energy.

After a full day of feeling my heart race and trying hard not to jump up and go for a jog through my office, I found myself meandering around after work, hoping to work off some of this restlessness. In reality, I'm quite worn out due to some sleepless nights...probably because of the stupid drugs.

I just realized why I'm in such a miserably anxious state. Apparently, pseudoephedrine is used to produce meth.

Great. Just great. Unfortunately, Sudafed PE nearly made me puke, and I will not abide breaking my 24-year no barf streak.

So here I am, blogging, a plate of reheated homemade Mac and Cheese in front of me with some questionable kolbassa (I really need to stop eating rotting food), and the contents of my makeup drawers scattered over my desk.

That's right, I went from meth to makeup. Nice segue, huh?

Because the wedding is coming up, I'm shelling out to get a professional to do my face and hair because, let's face it, if I did it myself, I'd end up looking like a clown. Or Courtney Love.

We've never really been a makeup family: mom didn't teach me how to apply lipstick, and big sister wasn't much into face paint, either. What I have dabbled in has been almost exclusively in the lip department, with some moderate to hideous success. I'm sure some of my friends have questioned my preference for deep, blood-red lips against my pale, silver be-glittered skin. (Edward Cullen stole that look from me, the little bitch.)

Looking at the pile I've accumulated, two things strike me: 1) I really have no idea where most of this stuff came from, and 2) I think most of it is older than granite.

So, for your enjoyment, and because I'm hopped up on drugs (don't do drugs!), here's a catalogue of all the stuff I'm about to toss:

Lips

Red Earth lip gloss, wine red
I bought this in Hong Kong in 2000. It still smells like vanilla, but tastes like rubber. It was my fave for a while, but it never really went with anything I wore, for reasons I can't fathom.

Avon Brilliant Moisture lip colour, Moonstone 3014
I have no idea how this got into my drawer. Maybe I ordered it from a friend? It looks like a colour I might have chosen, but it smells like plasticine and has the consistency of it, too. I think it's probably about 10 years old. Maybe older? Who knows...

Lancome Paris Juicy Tubes Pop ultra shiny cooling lip gloss, frozen punch
I got this from a friend as a stocking stuffer for Christmas...oh, maybe 7 years ago? Giving it a test squeeze, the liquid came out clear--the colour and the chemical have apparently separated out. Eew.

Two Life brand sport lip balms, SPF 15
I bought these by mistake, thinking they were regular lip balms on sale. I used it for a whole day before looking in the mirror and realizing I had thick white goo slathered all over my lips. I looked like I'd been kissing a wedding cake. No wonder everyone was looking at me weird. Still, might be handy for the upcoming summer. Can't say I've ever experienced sunburnt lips. Don't really want to, either.

Avon lipstick, Apricot
I remember buying this sometime in high school. A friend of my sister's was an Avon lady. I just liked the tube because it's all hologramy and shiny. The colour makes me look like I have radioactive lips. It tastes like one of those old picture books you open up at the library and wonder whether a hobo has been reading them.

The Body Shop Colourings lipstick, 48 (White)
This came from my first makeover, when I turned 18 and my big sis took me out to lunch and then Yorkdale Mall. It went over another colour to make my matte lips look shiny. It's still kinda nice...but it's more than 12 years old now. I'm shocked it's not cheese yet. *toss*

The Body Shop Colourings lip liner, 01 (beech) and 07 (mahogany)
Ditto above. They were sold to me as versatile colours to be used on my lips and my eyes as liner. Thinking about it now, that doesn't seem very sanitary. Still, these pencils have served me quite well. But I wonder how many new life forms have sprouted on the tips?

Princess Marcella Borghese Lumina lipstick, Rusticana 38
Another mystery lipstick. I think it showed up a little more than 5 years ago. What kinda freaks me out about it, apart from the fact that I have no idea how it ended up in my hands, is that it also looks well-used. I don't have any recollection of ever using this lipstick, even though the way the tube looks neat.

Revlon Moisturestay Lipcolor, 21 (pink)
I might have bought this. Maybe even within the last 5 years. It looks brand spanking new, never used...but it's dried out like an old crayon. Moisturestay my ass.

Tinkerbell lip balm
I wrote about this before. I have to throw it out--the smell is making me nauseous.


Eyes

Stila Cosmetics Stila Look #2
This was a cute little set of eye shadows and lip colour given to me by John's stepmother maybe 8 or 9 years ago. I was never much for eye makeup, though I will soon be making that attempt--I'm a little tired of looking like a mole person with teeny tiny eyes against my big, white face.

The Body Shop Sparticles, 01 Supernova
Another purchase on my 18th birthday. I really like this stuff at the time because it's a tiny jar of little beads. They're fun to squish between your fingers. Not so easy to apply, though: I don't really have any brushes, so I just used my fingers. Not really convenient, either.

Red Earth eye shadow compact, PK001
A three-colour set from my Hong Kong trip in 2000. Pretty basic neutral earth tones. Still "usable," as far as I can tell.

Avon True Colour eye shadow, Purple Rose
The 80's are calling and they want their eye shadow back. All I can think as I look at this colour is, OH MY GOD, WHO WOULD HAVE BOUGHT THIS? Moreover, why would they leave it in my makeup drawer? It's really, REALLY dark purple. I mean, like a velvet jumpsuit made for Austin Powers purple. *toss*

Lancome Colour Focus, Silver Screen Exhibition
Another stocking stuffer, I think. And it's maybe 3 or 4 years old. Wore it at a wedding I went to last year. I applied it while in a moving car with my finger. I'm not sure that was the best idea. Also, the woman I was sitting beside at the wedding was a cosmetician: I think she was freaked out by the application. Or the colours. Or maybe it was just me in general. I'm going to go with door number 3.

Rimmel London Waterproof Volume Flash Instant Thickening Mascara, black
I don't know what possessed me to buy this. I remember I'd wanted to experiment with thicker lashes--mine are short, straight, and point downward. I poked myself in the eye on first application. That stuff really does thicken instantly. I was washing it off for hours afterwards. You know those freaky Japanese horror movies where spooky little kids bleed black tears? Yeah, that was me.

Faces Eye liner Pencil, charcoal 011
I bought this maybe in grade 8. The texture lives up to the colour name. Into the bin it goes!

Professionals eye liner, royal blue
Another mystery. It probably came in with the Purple Rose eye shadow. I have no idea how old it is. *toss*


Face

The Body Show Facial Blotting Tissues, Rose and White
This was all the rage in high school; absorbing oil, reducing shine and being all sanitary because you just had to throw out the rice paper wad afterwards instead of using a matted old pad. The problem was, and continues to be, that I am neither white- nor rose-coloured. The colour always stood out. I look like I'd been working with pastel-coloured drywall at some freakish construction site for Sephora City. Still, lots of fun to see all the oil on your face.

Club Monaco Cosmetics Wet Dry Makeup, Warm 2
No idea how this came to me. It's not even my colour. But it's brand-new...if +5 years old counts as brand-new.

Body

Quo Lust Dust, Mesmorize
This body glitter comes in it's own retractable brush. I got it back when the Eaton Centre still had a movie theatre. Apart from the awesome name, it just makes me happy. *keep*

Red Earth body makeup glitter, silver
I imagine Red Earth kidnapped a bunch of vampires and ground them down to make this stuff. It might be better used for an art project than as makeup. I wonder how much poisonous metal is in it?


Nails

Club Monaco nail colour, Froth
Subtle, pearly iridescent white was my thing back in high school. It was a lot easier to hide mistakes that way. Would you believe I hadn't ever thought of having someone else do my nails for me? *toss*

Cat-topped shiny white nail polish
This might have come from that Avon friend of my sister's. It reeks like a mofo. *gag toss gag*

Le Chateau nail polish, sparkly electric blue
I bought this for $2. I mostly used it to touch up the chips on my electric guitar.

GAP Colour nail polish, dark red...?
A tiny bottle, a nice colour...I'll leave this out at work for someone to take home...and possibly get poisoned. (Must be at least 9 years old.)

Wet 'n' Wild nail color, 441B Sahara, and 412 Burgundy Frost
Another giveaway. I think I bought these to go with a dress I was wearing for a wedding.

Revlon nail enamel, 721 Raven Red
A gift from a friend. And since when were ravens red? *keep*

Well, there you have it. I've reduced my makeup collection to a mere quarter of its original size. And I seem to have stultified my restlessness into silence. Now all I have to do is figure out how to actually, you know, put makeup on.

Sephora, I'm looking at you to gimme some freebies here...

Do. Not. Want.

Her Cinderella Secret has been rejected once again.

*sigh*

Back to ye ol' drawing board...

Cross-posted from Victory's March.

Playing blogging catchup

I've been seriously neglecting my blog due to a few things. Time's been short, but also, I've been having some weird inner ear congestion thing that makes me dizzy and unable to hear out of the right side. Doc says to take a decongestant, but the meds make me even more dizzy and nauseated, so it's hard to sit still at my desk a lot.

Quips for the past couple of weeks:

• The Olympics: I'm adopting the phrased "Pwn the Odium" (TM) after spending two weeks reading and listening to international and domestic sniping about how Vancouver has been "The Worst Olympics Ever." Frankly, I'm sure there have been worse...you know, like the ones where people got blown up by terrorist bombs. And part of me wonders if the international sports media is just complaining because Canadians are easy targets--like the quiet nerdy kid who likes to read in the library at lunch, but who plays a mean stickball at recess. In any case, Canada pulled through on their sports of choice--hockey and curling--and reaped a record number of goals. We didn't "Own the Podium" but, like good Canadians, we're satisfied to have played and placed. The important thing is we had fun!

• The Wedding: 90 days left. Trying not to hyperventilate. All I ask is that we're married and no bloodshed has ensued by the end of the night....

• Smartikus: I think he might fail at cat. John and I both witnessed our poor kitty attempt to leap from the counter to the table, but he missed and performed a loud and spectacular face-plant on the ground, all paws outstretched. And then, while playing fetch, he bolted straight into a footstool. Both times, he recovered and pretended it hadn't happened.

And now, some links:

Videos from my bachelorette:

• Getting made into a lady of the realm (i.e. being knighted) at Medieval Times
• Attacking the Black-and-White Knight
• Presenting the "Hottest Man in the Land" award to the Green Knight at Medieval Times

And, because I need to cross-post more, this, from Vicki Heat's blog:

• Smell like the man your man should be

Getting Medieval on my ass...

The bachelorette was yesterday. Fun times!


No, there were no strippers, no copious amounts of booze or titillating games of "I Never." Instead, my ladies took me to Body Blitz Spa, where I was soaked, steamed and massaged into a stupor, and then I was marched along Queen Street where I was forced to collect signatures of random people, and then...off to Medieval Times!



I'd never been to the dinner and tournament, but it had occurred to me earlier that it would make the perfect venue for a party. I mean, who doesn't like jousting and roast chicken and hot guys on horses, waving their swords around? I'll take that over a strip club any day!

Lucky for me the girls knew me so well and had planned out the night with chivalry and debauchery in mind together.

I don't know what it is: There's just something about a knight in shining armor riding a horse and calling you "my lady" that gets my chastity belt in a twist. Of course, it probably helped that my girls had me dressed up in a full princess costume with a wedding veil...and any number of bachelorettish anachronisms, like the flashing button that says "Kiss the Bride to Be." Can't pass up any chance at humiliation, of course.


On that note, I was made a lady of the realm (knighted) and was forced to hand out a medal to the hottest guy in the building at the end of the event. It turned out to be the green knight, champion for our section, bad guy of the realm, but best damned knight out there. He seemed to accept the accolade with good cheer despite obvious exhaustion. It might have gone to Ken the barkeep, who m'ladied the pants off my sister, but then we heard him speak without the affected English accent and then that all went away.



The food was fine for what it was--tomato bisque and garlic bread, half a roast chicken, a rib, a baked potato skin, an apple pie-ish dessert, and coffee/tea and Pepsi. I had terrible heartburn later that night, and the lack of anything green really did make it a kind of oggy meal. But you'll eat anything when you're being entertained with violence and horses.

As a spectacle, Medieval Times was a terrific venue for anyone willing to accept it with a fine helping of salt and good cheer. Truly, it was a craptacularly romantic time.

Thank you, ladies, for fulfilling my medieval fantasy!

W00t!

Nominated for another Dotmoon UFO fanfiction award, this time for my last Avatar: The Last Airbender fanfic In the Family Way.

Nice to know people are reading and going through all the hassle of nominating me. If only my original fiction were as appreciated...

More SQUEEEEE than I can shake a fist at

New Last Airbender trailer--need I squee more?

February BLEAACCCHHHGGGHHHRRR...

It's that time of winter when all the world seems to be the same shade of sickly brown and grey; it's right around now that I find myself yearning for sunshine and flowers and clothes that aren't black, brown, grey, or any other shade of whatever's going on on the slushy ground outside.

Hench, the crazy pastel colour scheme. It'll keep me from slitting my wrists just to see a little colour until springtime...

You'll just have to put up with the ugliness until I get around to redesigning the blog. You should thank me: The blood dripping from your eyes will colour your world!

Avatarddendum *lil' squee*

Ganxingba's latest Avatar: The Abridged Series. Makes me snortgiggle every time.




Also, T-shirts of even greater Avatarded obscurity now available. This is why I love the Internets.

*LAST AIRBENDER SQUEEEEE*

I peed my pants all day after I watched this.





I really, really, REALLY don't want to get my hopes up...preliminary reports of the rough screen test are mixed. But the simple fact that Shyamalan actually took a frame straight out of the cartoon to use in the movie gives me hope. (See 0:08.)


Also, check out the awesome shots of Aang, Zuko, Sokka/Katara, and Suki at the official web site.


No, they actors are not Asian...but I'll give them a pass for now....

Considering the slew of movies based on young adult books and TV shows that have been coming out (e.g. Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thieves, etc.) I imagine The Last Airbender will get lost among the other offerings.

But I'm still going to watch it.

Now ask me how many times I watched the trailer today...(about eight times.)

POST 600! --OR-- I suck at blogging

Man, life is getting in the way of living.

• Had the housewarming this past weekend, finally. In excess of 60 people, lots of babies, too much food and wine. Fun times had by all (I hope!). Thanks to everyone who came out!
• Wedding plans are on. The officiant's booked, so even if everything else falls apart (OH GOD, WHY DID I JUST JINX IT???) we'll still be able to get married. And that's all that matters.
• Writing is a-go. Young adult fantasy novel moving along at a regular clip, but I'm not satisfied by where it's going. Must pause to reevaluate.
• Smartikus remains the best cat ever.
• John is cooking. I mean really cooking. Really good food, too. Better than what I can make. And he's reading cooking books. I'm worried I can't wow him with Spam noodles anymore...
• Work continues to be awesome.
• This continues to bother me 2 days after I watched it. Why won't it leave my brain?
  

Do. Not. Want.

*Sigh.*

My MMA romance novel got rejected by Harlequin Superromance. Not because of the quality of writing, but because of the lack of a more solid romantic conflict.

Go read the post-mortem on Victory Essex's blog--I got to interview senior editor Victoria Curran about it, and what came out of the hour-long talk was very enlightening.

Best. Video. EVER.

Thanks to lil' sis Jenny for sending me this link. I nearly peed my pants.

Looking back...

I posted this on the first of the year, and it seems appropriate to comment on how things went in 2009:

• Starting a fresh day book and calendar: the old ones were getting ratty--they were, like, a year old!--Okay, this still holds true at the end of every year. What can I say, I'm a sucker for calendars.
  
• A hot new president who will change the world (politics is fun again!)--Obama is on the road to implementing Universal Health Care, won a Nobel Peace Prize (whether you think he deserves it or not), and has done assorted other good things. No complaints from me so far.
  
• Being a bridesmaid in one of my longest standing friends' wedding (I'm struggling with the proper term, because it's not oldest friend, and long-time friend sounds weird. Anyone? Help?)--Er...yeah...that didn't happen...
  
• The bachelorette party associated with said nuptial (very possibly to Las Vegas)--This did happen. Good times.
  
• Watching as more of my friends from high school try for and grow big with children (and subsequently pointing and laughing, then consoling the tears and recriminations...)--Two more on the way!
  
• John finishing his masters of journalism (and school forever...?)--DONE AND DONE. THANK GOD.
  
• Me and John going on a celebratory trip to some place hot--possibly on a cruise of some kind--We both ended up taking separate trips to Vegas this year. That's as close as we got.
  
• A possible start to searching for our first home together--CHECK!
• Planning the wedding--Venues are booked, dress is bought...I don't need anything else, do I?
  

What does 2010 hold?

The wedding!
The honeymoon!
And I WILL sell a book, dammit, or else get an agent or SOMETHING.

Onward!

Photo editor FAIL

Today's Metro News commuter paper, page 10:


Someone's St. Peter is showing.

http://www.metronews.ca/toronto--You can read the whole paper by clicking on the link on the left-hand side bar.

Smartikus J. Cat, Destroyer of Worlds

It's been a little over a month since we adopted Smartikus, and he's all settled in and comfortable now. Perhaps a little too comfortable.

It's hard to determine most days if he's being affectionate or just a jerk because he knows he can get away with it. Even as I'm typing this post, he is purring and getting right in my face so that he can get a shot at my cereal milk. I'm trying to ignore him, but he keeps tapping me: just a little reminder that he's here. Tap, tap, tap. Hi, Mommy, gimme yur fud.

And now he's pushed my elbow and made me spill a spoonful of cereal down my front.

Other affectionately jerky things he's been up to:

• Chewing through both mine and John's cell phone charger cords (that's just plain jerky)
  
• Waking me up just before my alarm goes off every morning by jumping on me, poking my face, giving me wet willies (he actually licks his paw and smears it all over my face and, if he can, my mouth)
• Attacking my hands or feet if I try to sleep in too late. (Mommy, wake up! Wake up! The sun's out! Wake up! GIVE ME LUV!!!)
• Sitting directly in front of my computer screen and helping me write (No, Mommy, I like this letter ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;)
• Sitting right on top of my overtime manuscripts, no matter where I put them (I help you, Mommy! I keep the plot under my bum!)
• Climbing onto my back and shoulders at least once every day--I can't decide if this is some display of dominance or affection (I shnuggle! I shnuggle you lots! AND NOW I BITE YOUR ELBOW AND RIBS!)

Other fun things we've learned about Smarty:

• He plays fetch with balls of crumpled up paper. No dollar-store toys for him!
• He's bananas for bananas.
• If he likes you, he'll reach out and put a paw on you and give you a meaningful look, just to let you know he's there for you, bro.
• He talks a lot.
• He has cold kitty breath. Very odd to feel when you're sleeping and he decides to give you a little nuzzle.
• One of his favorite places to be: on top of the fridge, where he can survey his domain and watch the squirrels outside.
  

Despite the jerkiness, he always makes up for his bad behaviour by being shnuggly. He really is our dream cat.

To Whom It May Concern...

We've started receiving Christmas cards for the former and now deceased owner of our house. Up until now, I've written Return to Sender--Deceased on all mail for her. Most of it was from charities she probably donated to. But something tells me treating Christmas cards from friends overseas would be...how should I put this...dickish.

What do I do? Write a letter Regretting to inform you to the sender? Do I forward personal mail to the deceased's son, who is probably still heartbroken over her death? I don't know if I want to bother him with it during the holidays.

Help? Advice?

I'm baaaack...

Whew.

All moved into the new house; cat's settling in nicely; Halloween's over; most of my immediate writing projects are being put to bed now; Trojan scareware seems to have disappeared from the computer for now....

Time to blog and post pics!

Proof that I did the Weekend to End Breast Cancer walk on Sept. 12,
the day after closing my house:

Before and after shots of the living room and kitchen at my new place:

Living room before:

Living room after (no, it's not yellow, that's just the lighting and camera. And it's fuzzy.):

Kitchen before:

Kitchen after:

My baby's got his Masters of Journalism!

Smartikus J. Cat, the newest addition to our home/family
(Charmander: "GONNA GET U!"):

Halloween costume contest at Harlequin: almost the entire proofreading department came as a pink sheet and Post-It note flags for the editor (we use this pink sheet as a control sheet so that everyone's on the same page). Our group won second place!

Note: the girl in the silver box is a proofreader, but she came as a Lite-Brite. It worked, too.

So yeah, been kinda busy. Now that things are a little more settled, I might actually get some other stuff done....

Busy

As I'm in the process of moving and will be Internet-less until after the move, blogs will be few and far between for the next couple of weeks. My desktop has also contracted a Trojan Horse virus, and since I'm in the market for a new computer anyhow, it may be a bit before I get back to our regularly scheduled program.

Consolidating!

As I make the slow change over to my pseudonym, Victory Essex, you'll see shorter (and fewer) Writer Updates. Those will be hosted exclusively on Victory's March (my author blog), and occasionally on Vicki Heat's blog, Thermal Dynamics.

If you haven't done so, visit my blogs! And Become a Fan of Victory Essex on Facebook, and Tweet her! (If VE's on Twitter, does that make her a Twit?)

Any suggestions on design or content? Let me know! I'm always up for improving stuff. Cuz stuff is fun! Yay!

Third of three does not make me a loser, dammit!

I got the news today, oh, boy....

Finished third in the TRW's Golden Opportunity contest in the Contemporary Series category. From first in scores to third in rank (of three).

Poop. Oh, well, there's always next year. It was good to know I even made the finals.

Here's what the category judge, Harlequin Superromance's Wanda Ottewell, had to say:

How would you rate this entry on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest?
7

What was strong about this entry?
Really captures the heroine’s unique voice with the narrative. Her personality comes through well so the reader feels connected.

What could be improved?
A more unique, less typical meet between the hero and heroine would be good. While the collision between hero and heroine sparks physical awareness, as a device it gets used a lot.

I totally knew this about the setup when I set out to write the book, of course. But it is my first book, and after three years of rejigging, it actually rates as not half-bad, so on the scale of things, WIN!

Better luck next time!

Life: an update

Renovations on the new house are on hold as we await the electrical inspector's okay. It's a frustrating time as we wait to get more done. We can't patch or close walls or put kitchen cabinets up until he says to go ahead. All I can do right now is pack.

John is sick with what sounds to be a nasty respiratory infection. I'm loading up on good food, lots of sleep and lots of hand washing to keep the illness at bay. Everyone in my office is sick, so it's been like trying to dodge mist.

Meanwhile, because our life isn't interesting enough, we're adopting a cat. A friend of a friend has to give up her furry companion, so John and I've decided to take him in. He sounds perfect for us. Three years old, neutered and declawed...and his name is Smartikus. We knew as soon as we heard that name that he'd be perfect. We get to meet him tomorrow, and hopefully, we'll be moved in and ready to take him home at the end of the month.

If only this was the world's only problem...

Jesus would be mortified.

I find it hilarious that my teacher incorrectly fixed my spelling of "weird" by putting an "e" after "i", making it "wiered" rather than "wired."

Cowboys and cookies, beefcake and biscuits

Corportate shilling? Maybe. But I like men and cookies and would do anything to push both upon the beefcake cookie monsters of the world. Nom nom nom.


As part of Harlequin’s 60th anniversary sampling campaign, Harlequin has partnered with Peek Freans Lifestyle Selections to offer Canadian women A Taste of Mischief through a unique co-branded promotion – and the fun starts this Saturday right here in Toronto!

Promotional Events & Highlights

Sampling at Indigo Stores – Sat. Sept. 26

Come check out the heroes of Harlequin’s Montana Royalty as cowboys, sheriffs, and princes greet customers with cookie samples at select Indigo stores this weekend. Staff at many other Chapters, Indigo and Coles locations across Ontario will also be distributing the sample packs. The Heroes will be at the following Indigo stores at 12pm this Saturday and Sunday:

· Scarborough Commons

· Yorkdale

· Square One


Launch Event at Yonge/Dundas Square – Wed. Sept. 30

Harlequin is hosting a live-sampling event at Yonge/Dundas Square on Wednesday, September 30. Highlights include:

· LiveEye segment with CP24’s Matte Babel (7:00 am – 9:00 am)

· Learn how to pose for a Harlequin cover and have your photo taken with our Harlequin Heroes. (10:00 am – 2:00 pm)

· Enjoy a musical performance by The Good Lovelies, a sassy and flirty bluegrass trio reminiscent of The Dixie Chicks (12:30 pm – 1:30 pm)

· Catch the Harlequin Heroes distributing sample packs (10:00 am – 2:00 pm; 3:00 pm – 7:00 pm)


peekfreans.ca – Sept. 8 - Nov. 15

If you haven’t done so already, visit peekfreans.ca to:

· Enter for a chance to WIN a trip fit for one of Harlequin’s Heroines

· Download Montana Royalty, a FREE exclusive eBook from Harlequin’s Intrigue series

· Create Your Harlequin Story by completing a short and simple questionnaire

· Tell us what tempts you by answering the Harlequin Romance Report questionnaire

· View photos from the Harlequin Hero events

· Learn about the better-for-you qualities of Peek Freans Lifestyle Selections cookies

For Anna

Sad news: one of my fondest childhood memories has passed away.

Anna Scaramuzza ran the little convenience store across the street from my elementary school, Lord Lansdowne P.S. The no-nonsense German woman with the white apron and frazzled, curly grey hair often wore a frown as she was beseiged every lunchtime and after school by junior and senior school kids clamoring for penny candies, powdered donuts, Mr. Noodles, and sandwiches. But even if Anna's mouth wasn't smiling, her eyes and her heart were. She passed away peacefully September 17, 2009.

The unassuming turquoise-fronted shop on Robert Street was simply known as "Anna's." The fixtures hadn't been updated since the days when the shop had been a general goods store. I remembered the geraniums and spider plants in the front window on one side, along with the assortment of toys, firecrackers, styrofoam airplanes, water pistols, and other awesome things she sold on the other. When you walked into Anna's, you knew you would come out with something special. I remember how I found a penny on the ground once when I was 6, and after school bought the yummiest lone Gummi Bear I had ever eaten. Anna was amused.

I remember how the older grade 7 and 8 kids would sit on the sawed off picnic bench leaning out front during lunchtime in the days before containment became the only means for schoolyard safety. That bench was a hallmark of seniority, and if you were sitting there, you were in the big leagues.

My first kiss in grade 7 was in front of that store. I remember spitting in mild disgust over the waist-high cinderblock wall afterward. (Sorry, first junior-high bf. You really just didn't do it for me. At all.)

Anna had a beautiful chocolate-colored short-haired Weimaraner-mixed dog named Cindy who grew fat, red-eyed and ill on the gummies the students fed her. Her offspring, Lola, faired no better. Nonetheless, the students mourned when each of these dogs passed. Smelly and chubby and obsequious as they were, they were a part of the legacy, fixtures in our quickly dwindling childhoods. I remember that Anna, though her dour expression did not show it, was sad when they were gone, too.

When I was in grade 7, Anna's husband, Luigi, died. He had left a donation to the school of a set of new encyclopedias (there was no Internet back then) and the students in the senior art classes were asked to sketch Anna's as a tribute. I remember sitting out in front of the school with my pencils and sketchbook, surrounded by my classmates, trying to get the details in the front window just right. Never mind that the lintel of the roof wasn't right; I just had to get those plants in. The details were everything. I would have drawn the colorful array of gummies in if I could. I even included a sleeping Lola, who turned out to be an amorphous grey blob in front of the shop.

To my great dismay, I wore down my turquoise pencil crayon coloring the place in, as well as my apple-red for the painted brick. I was so upset by the fact that my pencil crayons weren't being worn down evenly that I selfishly refused to lend out those two colors to anyone else. After all, what was I to do once I ran out of turquoise or apple-red?

Eventually, one of those sketches was chosen to honor Luigi's donation. Apparently, it was framed and is hanging in the principal's office. I've been told that picture was mine.

Anna will always be remembered among the students, parents and alumni of Lord Lansdowne as someone who not only provided us treats, but who also provided us a retreat from the drudgery of elementary academics and melodrama.

Anna's was a special place. Anna was a special lady.

She will be missed.

Interactivity! Identity Crisis

I'm currently participating in an online workshop hosted by the Toronto Romance Writers on branding and, as I'm early in my career, it has been an eye-opening and thoroughly frustrating experience.

Admittedly, marketing is not my forte: I figured that out early during my short and entirely degrading experience working in a marketing department.

Simply put, it is entirely counter-intuitive to represent myself as something I'm not--and what I write is not who I am. I am not a person who focuses solely on contemporary family romance, even though that was what my last book was; nor am I the fantasy fanfiction writer most of the Google world knows me as.

Still, I can see the benefits of maintaining a certain integrity and message in my "public" face, i.e. Vicki Heat or Victory Essex. But having these two distinct IDs is really starting to throw me off. Some days I'm Victory Essex, the classy, dramatic writer who likes to glide through her mansion in her red velvet dress and drink brandy by the fireplace; other days, I'm Vicki Heat, who takes a shot of tequila with her to the bathtub where she lies around and dreams about where she'd like to place GSP or Tahmoh Penikett in her stories.

In the various worksheets and exercises, we're quizzed on the colors we like, the clothes that make us feel like a million bucks; we're asked to describe ourselves, how we present ourselves to others, our writing...it's all very confusing. Up until now, I've always just been Vicki So, an eclectic mix of all that is zany and sweet in the world...like a cotton candy cloud filled with euphoric ants. Now that I'm forcing myself to narrow it down to one identity to sell to the public, I don't know WHO I AM!

Help! Readers out there know me best (sorta). I need you to identify me!

Throw me some words to describe me! Manic? Humorous? Funky? Fresh? Smelly? Just this side of bat-shit-crazy? One donut short of a baker's dozen? You decide!

Your task: Give me your best adjective, adjective noun description of me as a writer.

(Bad) Examples:
Funky, Fresh Comedian
Wry, Witty Go-getter
Hungry, Hungry Hippo

Winner will get an icon designed by Poor, Pennyless Author!

Contest ends midnight EST, September 30, 2009.

FAMOUS ON TEH INTERWEBS

My submission to FAILblog hit the front page! FOR TEH WIN!



see more Fail Blog

WEBC Wrap-up

By the numbers:

4,616 = walkers participating this weekend
$11.6 million = total money raised to end women's cancers for the Princess Margaret Hospital
$37,561 = money raised by Team Harlequin
$1,510 = amount I raised through the very generous donations given directly to my campaign
$255.58 = funds raised from donations from the Kensington Market Community
$34.68 = price of the awesome dri-fit Team Harlequin T-shirt we wore
3 = times I used a port-a-potty on my 1-day +30 km walk
10 = hours it took me to complete the walk
4 = ibuprofen tablets I took within a 24-hour span
17 = hours it took to get the stiffness out of my legs


Highlights of the walk:

It was way more than 30km. After the first 4km, the sign said: "30.43 km to go!" and 4 km later, at the next stop, it said "30.4 km to go!" So I probably walked closer to 40 km that one day.

The route takes you through several residential neighborhoods, and people tie pink ribbons or decorate their properties, or sit out on the porch and say thank you and cheer you on all along the way. A number of them lay out spreads of cookies, fruit, snacks, water, chocolate and more. One house handed out little cups of beer. After 28 km, it was the BEST. BEER. EVER.

You wouldn't believe the vast array of people who turn up at these things just to give you high fives and cheer you on. There was this woman on a motorcycle who'd had a mastectomy and way wearing this leather metal-studded one-boob bra who was right in there, all smiles, her hog decorated with boobs and bras.

Lunch was a box set of grilled chicken, pasta salad, a dinner roll, and a lemon tart, plus some Lipton Green Tea drinks. It didn't matter if they didn't taste perfect--at that point, ANYTHING tasted good.


The route:

Starting at Exhibition Place, through Princess Gates, along Lakeshore Blvd., north along Parkside (next to High Park) and then through some residential streets, through Bloor West Village (why we had to walk along the busy Bloor Street stretch from Keele to Humber River, I really don't understand) and then a whole bunch north...I got lost since we doubled-backed a few times. We crossed Islington several times, in fact. We ended up at Downsview Park.


The day:

Hour 1: WOOOO!! YEAH!!! BOOBS!!!!! WE CAN DO THIS!!!! WOOOOOO!!!

Hour 1.5: Wooo! Wooooooo!

Hour 2: *Stark silence as the realization of how long this walk is hits*

Hour 3: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE OUT OF GATORADE AND PEANUT BUTTER? *eats bagel dry, downs water, regrets the bloating combination*

Hour 4: Shoulda stopped at the last convenience store for Gatorade...I'm drowning in water, but I'm STILL THIRSTY.

Hour 5: Terrible hunger pangs lead to discussions about food. *Word games to pass the time commence to distract us from hunger*

Hour 6: Lunch! WOOOOO!!!! YEAH!!!! FREEBIES!!! WOOOO!!! BOOBIES!!! YEAH!!!

Hour 7: Are we there yet? Oh, God, Are we there yet? *cries a little*

Hour 8: You said it'd be 4 more kilometers FIVE KILOMETERS AGO!!! WHY ARE YOU PLAYING WITH MY MIND???

Hour 9: Support SUVs (of shame) start to look really appealing. Thinks driving one is the better option. Someone in a swank neighborhood hands me a Rocket Popsicle. I am rejuvenated.

Hour 10: WOOOOO!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! I'm done! Oh, thank you, jeebus, I'm done!!! *hips collapse, calves seize, spine accordions, pass out on ground*


Overall:

This was a personal endeavor for me, and of course it was important. But I'm not sure I'll do this again next year simply because hitting up my friends and family for that kind of money regularly is draining. Maybe in another year's time I'll do it. I will, however, continue other fund-raising efforts in order to help those members of Team Harlequin who do this every year. They are inspiring and awesome.

For a more interesting (and invariably more emotional) rundown of the WEBC from someone who walked the (omigod, how she did it, I will never know) 2-day walk, go to my pal's blog at RockItLoveItLiveIt.worpress.com.


Short segment featuring a few of my co-walkers on CTV News here. (Go to Sunday, September 13, and start the clip at 11:47)


Thanks again to everyone who supported this fantastic endeavor! If you're interested in signing up for next year, go to www.endcancer.ca.

I swear this didn't come off the Onion

UFC President Dana White reacts to news that Rampage Jackson might star in the A-Team movie as B.A. Baracus (aka Mr. T), missing his fight with Rashad Evans in UFC 107.

“‘Guess what Rashad Evans is thinking about right now,’” White said. “‘He’s thinking about beating your [expletive] ass. He’s not sitting around thinking about how him and his mom used to watch the [expletive] ‘Love Boat’ together and (how) he wants to get the role of Isaac the bartender. ‘Get a [expletive] grip, dude. You’re going to make a lot of money. You ain’t going to make a lot of money playing B.A. Baracus on ‘The A-Team.’ Jesus Christ...."

Oh, the ever eloquent Dana White.

Original story here.

And yet more news that MMA is about to jump a popularity shark: female fighter Gina Carano's also getting a movie role.

Inspiration...

People often ask me if I base my characters on people I know.

Meet my latest hero, Kyle Peters.


Because working with Georges St. Pierre as a template for Dominic Payette in Fighting for Her Love worked so well to keep my creative juices (get your mind out of the gutter) flowing, I decided to pattern Kyle after Tahmoh Penikett, aka Helo from Battlestar Galactica and Paul Ballard from Dollhouse.

What I particularly like about Tahmoh, apart from a fantastic body, is his ability to shift from hard get-the-job-done guy to soft and sweet husband/lover/father. In his roles as Helo and Paul, he radiates absolute strength, but there's also a core of uncertainty and the tiniest hint of weakness there, too. If you watch him in interviews and on stage at conventions, he comes off as a super-playful guy who loves what he does and loves the fans. Tahmoh is also a practitioner of Muay Thai, as demonstrated in Dollhouse.

I found it quite easy to picture Kyle, a former Olympic gold wrestler, shifting through these different variations of Tahmoh at different stages of Kyle's life. The sheer intensity on his face is what I try to keep in mind.

And just because I think it's funny, Kyle's also a huge fan of Battlestar. 'Cuz that's the way I role.

One week left

Training is stopping pretty much as of yesterday. I walked 23.31 km in 5 hours, to and from the new house. I was exhausted by the end of it, and had a pretty dark tan despite the sunscreen. It wasn't until the next morning that I was really feeling it.

And, oh, boy, do I hurt right now. I guess I know what to expect next weekend now: pain in my gluts, back, ribs, spine, shins and knees. My feet are miraculously fine, thanks to double-layer frictionless socks and my New Balance shoes.

Meanwhile, a shout out to the community of Kensington Market and patrons of CAAM United Hardware. They helped me raise $255.58 for the Weekend to End Breast Cancer! Thank you everyone in the market!

Chapped

I've gone from having a dry skin problem in the winter to having a dry lips problem in the summer. Lately, my lips can't get enough moisture, and when left to their own devices, they get all shrunken and chapped and cracked.

Usually, I just use Vaseline to kept them covered, but having a jar around isn't handy, and I detest those little squeeze tubes--they get fetid and smelly really quickly.

So I've been trying out different products in the hopes of finding something suitable. Here's my run down of my stock.

Vaseline: good ol' petroleum jelly. Great for lubricating parts of your body when you go for a run, makes a good toast spread...Is there nothing it can't do? Unfortunately, the goo hasn't been cutting it lately, not without slathering it on with a trowel.

Blistex lip chap (mint): this has a nice, delicately medicated burn I associate with healing properties. Because if it doesn't burn, it can't be doing anything to help, right? Actually, I find this is pretty much the most effective lip chap I buy, but at almost $3 for this tiny tube, I kinda wonder if it's worth it. I use it up really quickly.

Tinkerbell lip balm: I figured, hey, if it's good enough for little girls, it's gotta be fine for me, right? Wrong. This atomic pink tube of goo actually tastes like what I imagine a ground-up fairy would taste like--alternately lovely and disgusting. I can't decide if it's a berry mixture, a flower mixture, bubblegum, or if someone just scooped out the contents of a Glade gel plug in and stuffed it into this tiny tube. Also, it make you look like you've been sucking on lollipops all day. It was the cheapest thing at Shoppers Drug Mart, though. $1.49 for the tube of 4.5 g.

Nivea Hydro Care: The lipstick format of this tube is much nicer than the tiny twist bottom lip chaps. I've always hated how when you get to the end of the lip chap, you try grinding it onto your lips, hollowing out a nice, sharp bowl in the end bit of plastic. So far, my only issue with this lip chap is that it has a strangely suffocating feeling when applied, as though my lips can't breathe. They feel silky smooth, sure, but that might be from some kind of reaction to the cream. It's normally $3, but I got it on sale for $2.

C.O. Bigelow Rose Salve: It's like Vaseline, only pink and it smells of roses. This stuff is actually really nice, but it comes in a little tin and it costs $8 for 22 g. The whole idea for lip care is that I don't have to touch my mouth--at least, that's my aim. I apply it in the morning, but it doesn't exactly last.

Anyone have any suggestions for my lips? And don't suggest kisses--saliva dries our your lips really fast.

Ai yi yi yi yi!

The Green Power Ranger is training in MMA!

The former action star from the hit series "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" has officially made the move to mixed martial arts, and while training with UFC lightweight Melvin Guillard, he hopes to make his real fighting experience as successful as he did on television.

Frank is hoping to fight as soon as possible.

"I was supposed to fight in 2007, but it fell through. In truth, I've wanted to put the work in until I'm ready," Frank said in an interview from the Suckerpunch website. "I know I have a target on my back. Everyone is going to want to beat up the Green Ranger."

Personally, I'm rooting for him. At 35, he's gotta be pretty ballsy to get into pro MMA fighting. Mind you, he does have a crapload of experience beyond punching Putties.

And, just because the hair was fantastic...

GAAAH

In the ongoing saga of paperwork associated with homebuying:

Scene 1: Catch-22
Got home insurance finally. YAY! It was a big to-do since no one would insure a house with 100% knob and tube...which really doesn't make sense since I need home insurance to get into the house to take the knob and tube out so I can get home insurance. Biggest catch-22 ever. Managed to work it out with TD Insurance (thank you, Suke!) but there's lots of paperwork that needs to be done, plus the rewiring all needs to be completed 30 days after my closing date. ACK!

Scene 2: Bran helps with weight loss
Did an interview with the mortgage insurance people regarding my health. I guess they're trying to decide whether I'm going to drop dead suddenly. My favorite question went like this:

Questioner: Have you recently lost any weight?
Me: Hmm...well, maybe about five pounds.
Q: And can you tell me why?
Me: ...Er...I pooped?

I'm still waiting to get the A-OK from them--John and I are both young and relatively healthy, but I'm gnashing my teeth until then.


Scene 3: Father Time treads softly
Today I learned it would take 10 days or so to process the request to withdraw funds from my RRSP under the Home Buyer's Plan so that I don't get charged tax on it. I'm seeing my lawyer and need to give him the balance of my downpayment and the fees etc. next Wednesday. And Labour Day is coming up. That gives me 7 days to deal with this.

Moral of the story: shoulda withdrawn them waaaay earlier.


Scene 4: In which we plan our house
We've purchased new appliances at the Brick, but the kitchen cabinets and counter from Ikea are on hold until a little later in the month--supposedly, there'll be a kitchen event in the fall and we're going to cash in on that when it comes up. I just hope that's sooner rather than later. I want to get this place started and done so I can sleep in my new house, dammit.

I'm happy to say that some very nice friends and colleagues are volunteering to help with the kitchen demolition and painting later on. They shall all be well pizzaed and beered. Assuming I still have money when we get to that point...

The Cuteness of Little Ones

Bowie's Got Talent:

Bowie's Got Talent

Avery's First Word:

Avery's First Word!

Best. Birthday Card. Ever.

Proof that my little sister shares the same DNA: we have the same morbid sense of humor.

WOO HOO!

My first book, Her Cinderella Secret, made the finals in the Toronto Romance Writers' Golden Opportunity Contest in the Contemporary Category!

YAY! Peer recognition!

Even if I don't win, I consider this a real accomplishment. Something to put on my resume.

Mind you, I still haven't heard back from Mills & Boon Tender Romance about it--I've emailed a couple of times, hoping to get a response. Next step is to write a letter, I suppose, to let them know the book (or at least the first three chapters) did pretty well.

Meanwhile, victoryessex.blogspot.com and vickiheat.blogspot.com are up and running! For now, each will get a posting on alternating weeks, unless something big happens, like this. HCS will likely be published under the Victory Essex label...if and when someone buys it...*hopes*

In other news...

My third book, Fighting for Her Love, is still awaiting a verdict (aka rejection) from Harlequin Superromance. It's still the best book I've written until now, and lots of people who've read the first chapter really like it. Big sister Fiona read the whole thing and told me it "kept her up at night," which is good.

I'm working on a second "Fight" book, tentatively titled Wrestling with Attraction. A brief overview:

Kyle Peters has a new student: Charlie Handover was sent to him with promises that ol' Chuck would be the next big thing in mixed martial arts. Just one thing: Charlie's a girl. Kyle refuses to get into it with another female fighter. The last one accused him of sexual assault and nearly ruined his career as a coach.

Charlie Handover has never been good at anything except fighting. The tomboy has a real chance to be an MMA star. But to get there, she needs Kyle to teach her. He can train her to grapple and hold an opponent in submission. But it seems her untrained heart has other ideas when she falls for her reluctant coach.

...And then an extra horrible thought came to me...

...Is my new house okay? It hasn't been insured yet...

...And did someone close the window in the basement? Because last time we were there, it'd been left open (not by us, though we left it on the assumption that someone had left it open for a reason) to get the damp, musty smell out...

Aw, hell, homeowning is aging me superfast.

WHO'S YOUR MOMMA? WHO'S YOUR MOMMA???

MOTHER FUCKING NATURE, THAT'S WHO.

Welcome to my nightmare: Tornados in the GTA. The sky coming down for a little stroll in your neighborhood. The sky wears big boots.

It's nice to know that all over this city, this province, this country, THE WORLD, the reaction to tornadoes and doom weather is the same, no matter what language you speak or where you hail from:

"HOLY FUCK! OMIGOD! HOLY SHIT! THAT'S A TORNADO!"

Yeah. Yeah, it is. Now y'all know why I have reoccurring nightmares about them.

I am now a homeowner

John and I have been keeping this news to ourselves until the official day, but we decided to make it official via Facebook.

We bought a house!

It's at Main and Danforth, semi-detached 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, unfinished basement, with a garage and small backyard and front yard. It was a terrific find. It needs lots of work--the wiring all has to be replaced and we're planning a whole new kitchen. But it is undeniably ours, thanks to my parents' help.

The story goes like this: we were heading out to see a bunch of houses when my funcle Simon (that's fake Uncle Simon) sent along this listing that had just gone up. It was the first house we saw that day, and we fell in love. The next day, we went to the bank, got our mortgage approved, saved a man's life*, and won the bid in a nail-biting round of bidding that ended with us still bidding beneath the asking price.

Closing date's Sept. 11, at which point we'll be sending in the troops to fix things up. We're knocking down a wall, stripping out wires, and ripping up the kitchen floor. Fun times ahead!

So if I've been kind of distracted lately...well, now you know.

*(Yes, we did, in fact save a man's life. A guy pitched forward and fell in the middle of the street in front of my father's car on our way to the bank. I called 911 while John turned him over and Dad redirected traffic. Something similar happened to us the day after John and mine's first date. I'm sure John will blog about it.)

This just in...

Chef Gordon Ramsay stabbed through heart by Stingray

ReallyFakeNews, New York--Celebrity reality TV chef Gordon Ramsay was stabbed to death while filming his newest reality cooking show, Shut the Fuck Up and Cook Shit While I Scream At You. He was 48.

"It's really no surprise," one witness at the fake five-star restaurant said as Ramsay's eviscerated body was carted away. "This was a long time coming."

Fans and foodies alike concur. "He was always handling dangerous, high-strung people with his trademark in-your-face attitude," says Bob Green, a stage hand who's worked with Ramsay on his other hit shows You'll Take It and Like It, and You Can Eat My Ass. "He never had any fear. That was probably his first mistake. I mean, the man wrestled with egos armed with fire and sharp knives. Did he really think he was going to keep doing that and not get stabbed one day?"

Ramsay was chewing out one of the apprentice chefs who was cooking steak when the man, 25-year-old Scott "Stingray" Smith turned on the man and jabbed a boning knife into Ramsay's chest.

"Is that well-done enough for you? Is it too raw now, Chef? Huh, huh, huh?" Stingray screamed as he twisted the weapon like a corkscrew.

Police are treating the death as an accident.

"If anything, the deceased fell victim to his own inflated sense of invulnerability," Police Commissioner Bruce Redding said. "You just don't go poking rabid dogs with sticks...especially if they're skilled with Five-Star Henckles."

Ramsay is survived by four children and his wife.

THAT'S in a name!

The people have spoken. My pen name is:

Victory Essex

But since the votes were so close, I'll be taking on Vicki Heat for more salacious contemporary fiction, and using Victory Essex for more family-oriented romance. Special thanks to Xiao Pangzi for the name suggestion: she'll be receiving a special Harlequin vintage print T-shirt as thanks for the suggestion.

Thanks to everyone who voted!

Stay tuned for victoryessex.blogspot.com!

Best. Book review. EVER.

From Smart Bitches, guest book review on PREGNESIA, which I proofread.

Frickin' hilarious.

Carla Cassidy's comments are included. What a sport.

Just a quick note to say...

...that like John, shit is getting real. I'll be back soon with more silliness and non-Dymaxion-World type musings about nothing to waste your day away.

In which I beg forgiveness

I fucked up.

I was supposed to arrange for a weekend getaway with my bridesmaids to my parents' cottage. But in the hubbub of house hunting and thinking about the wedding, I totally dropped the ball, forgot all about the trip, and double booked the weekend to go to Ottawa.

I feel like an idiot. A complete and utter moron. I've been feeling terrible about it all weekend, and I can't forgive myself this humiliating lapse in friendship. For one, I know my two girls needed the getaway to de-stress from a long and hard summer; and two, I wanted to be, you know, a friend. Not the girl who just forgets the people who are supposed to be close to her.

In the mire of life, of balancing work with play and family with friends, it's easy to lose sight of the important things. Not only did I lose sight, I was totally and utterly blindsided by the spectacle of home ownership, and then, instead of looking around and getting my bearings, I put on blinders and focused on one thing.

Fuck. I hate disappointing others, and I hate being a disappointment. I hate feeling like I'm unreliable, and I hate that I've just totally let this slip through the cracks. This is almost as bad as that nightmare I had about leaving my babies in the trunk of the car, and them turning into frozen chickens.

To my ladies, if they're reading this: I'm. So. Sorry. Please, just beat the crap out of me next time you see me. I'll come bearing steak and crepes and the saddest hang-dog face ever.

Conversations with the fiance

Me, watching John, playing Super Mario World:

Me: That's just the stupidest design for a castle. I mean, how dickish is it to have a floor that sinks into a pit of lava? You're killing all your minions!
John: Well, this way they don't have to pay union dues.
Me: Huh?
John: It's cheaper to give the families of the minions a small payout rather than continue paying out benefits and salary.
Me: ...I'm going to blog this conversation now.